Clemson recruit Kenneth Page

Well, this whole fiasco of Clemson supposedly droppin bills to get Page to come to Clemson was settled. We even talked about it here. TSIB also dropped a few notes on the story. Somehow, Clemson fans from said forum showed up months later, swamping the comments section of the post launching volleys back and forth. They emailed us and asked our opinion on their “lim’rick” (Yeah, it’s spelled limerick but they’re SEC fans so they probably have little to nil education past primer, possibly junior high so cut them some slack please. At least they got the format down!) Let’s take a look at a few sections of said mispronounced literary piece.

Tommy Bowden’s daughter certainly is regal
And we can gawk at her now that she’s legal.
And we have, you can bet
She’s all over the Net
Apparently, Clemson’s new formation is the “spread eagle.”

Accompanying picture:

HAR HAR! Man, did you see that there? Whudda funny munkeey! Ain’t no Lowren Bowdn but it made me layaf jus tha saym!

Three months ago we wrote a post
About Clemson recruiting the most
We thought it was dead
But Tigers weren’t fed
So they keep coming to irritate Ghost.

Speaking of beating the dead horse, how long ago did that Lauren Bowden picture hit the presses? Also, I’d like to submit Exhibit A into the court evidence. If you’re gonna try and nail our dicks to the porch, make sure yours isn’t there already, “…you’re fuckin’ hypocriticizers too. So shut the fuck up!” (I had to fit that reference in here somewhere… it’s a slow month. But seriously, the movie wasn’t half bad regardless on what everyone else in the world says).

Swinney’s recruiting magic made him adored
His skill at drawing in talent can’t be ignored
But it’s seems kinda fishy
Recruits are wipin’ with fifties
Takes me back to the days of Danny Ford.

Ok, fine, you got us there. But hey, he learned from the best, didn’t he? Bama fans calling other programs out for cheating and dirty recruiting. That makes my eyes hurt so much that I can only look at my monitors for moments at a time so that my retinas won’t burn off from the amazing stupidity venting off of their website. And yeah, I said monitors. Plural. That’s how I roll. Two monitors. Somewhere there’s a GT fan reading this who’s jealous.

So, how does it feel, Tiger fans, when you hear
About the “real” Death Valley that strikes fear?
I can poke fun, you see
We’re the “other” UT
But at least our orange doesn’t look queer.

I made a few deductions at this point. We were actually the first Death Valley. LSU fans sometime later coined the phrase “Deaf Valley” because of the noise they could generate but as always with an SEC school, things got lost in translation. The author didn’t do his research thus negating his argument and making him look less informed and intelligent on his subject matter. He clearly doesn’t “KNOW HIS HIISSTRAY ON DUH EYESS EE SEE!” The “other” UT statement… was that a poke at us… or at Texas? Clarify this please. “But at least our orange doesn’t look queer” You’re right, your orange isn’t even an orange. It’s piss yellow in the Crayola box. Lastly, “queer” is a hefty adjective to be throwing around at someone when you’re the one writing the limericks.

I ran out of steam, patience, and time for this article at this point but I did find the image of Richard Simmons dancing on the hill quite funny. Next time, do your home work and try to keep out of the cheesiness. Furthermore, your blog isn’t specific enough in where your loyalties lie. Are you a Bama fan? Tennessee Fan? Bill Dance fan? Also, pretty good jarb considering that it comes from a grown man using the handle “Crimson Daddy.” That reminds me, I need to register TigerDaddy69420 on tigerforums.net so I can join this epic battle of cunning smooth talk and debate. Lastly, big ups to Tide Druid for keeping it classy and targeting Tony Franklin as opposed to Clemson fans.

I threw in a winking smiley face so that Crimson Daddy knows it’s all in good fun. TEE HEE.

Trust me, this is gonna be awesome.

So some friends and I were chillin out maxin and relaxin all cool, and while shootin some b-ball outside the school we decided to start a mustache competition. Similar to the Australian born but internationally known competition referred to as Movember (Official site), we wanted to grow mustaches for an allotted amount of time. The original rules as stated in an email I sent to my friends are as follows with slight adjustments for privacy:

1.) Shaving commences the morning of June 7th.

2.) Growing of mustaches shall last until August 31st. Shaving of said mustache before the given date results in a disaqualification and a good ribbing.

3.) Each grower may choose their own facial hair growing pattern from June 7th until August 1st. (IE grow what you want, be it grizzly adams beard, mustache, fumanchu, etc.)

4.) On August 1st, we shall reconvene and shave everything except our mustaches. You must keep your mustache for the entire month of August.

5.) Winner will be determined by style, creativity, and effectiveness of the mustache by a panel of three judges to be named at a later date using a scale of one to ten on August 31st, 2008.

6.) Any style of mustache is accepted. Examples are as follows: Cooter, Hitler (if you so choose), Handlebar, Pushbroom/Earnhardt Sr., Triple H Handlebar, The Captain James T Hook, etc. Pencil thin mustaches do not count.

As I have now extended the competition to include our readers, some modified rules will now be presented:

1a) For DFIG readers, I’ll give you a head start. Pictures of your shaved facial hair beside a printed date for Friday, June 6, 2008 (newspaper preferably) must be emailed to dannyfordisgod -at- gmail -dot- com. You don’t even have to shave that morning, just some time that day send me a pic of your jaw area etc.

2a) Pictures of your mustaches must be sent in to the same email address with a printed date on August 31st.

4a) Since we are on the internet, just follow the previous instructions for 1a and 2a but for July 31st.

5a) Chili and I will do the judging.
5b) I just wanted to have a section “b” somewhere in here to justify all the sections labeled “a.”
5c) All submissions will be judged a little later than August 31st, but no later than a few days (September 5th at latest.)

Don’t forget about Friday!! Set your alarm! Write it on a calendar! Put a reminder on your phone! Also, tell your friends and forward this link to them. Happy growing and good luck!

31-28 in Death Valley. There, I said it. Yeah, you beat us last year. Yeah, you beat us at home. Time to wake up though. Seriously. I’m tired of seeing all of this random sporadic bragging by the South Carolina mouth breather types on the internet. I’m also sick and tired of it outside the limits of the internet, you know, that place where us normal folks call the real world. The world where Clemson still holds a dominant 63-37-4 record over South Carolina.

You see what I did there? Get it? I combined a picture of a Homer with a picture of a Gamecock (Actually, Nolecc from Scalpem.com did). GET IT?

I’d like to examine some more important facts without sounding too much like “This is Gamecock Football”. All facts provided by the College Football Data Warehouse. Here goes:

- You know how South Carolina fans are always talking about how hard their conference is and how terrible the ACC is? Well, against the ACC the Gamecocks are 189-238-22 overall. Eight of the twelve teams (Clemson, Florida State, Maryland, Miami, Georgia Tech, NC State, Duke, and UNC) hold a winning record over South Carolina. Might be best not to talk trash about a conference that has owned you. By the way, Clemson holds a 288-192-12 record in the ACC.

- You know the argument “Well the SEC is a better conference than the ACC. I bet you if Clemson was in the SEC they’d do worse.” FALSE. We’ve played 280 games against the SEC and faired decently with a record of 109-157-14 (.414%). That’s not only more games than the Gamecocks have played, but a better ratio than them as well. South Carolina has played 223 games against the SEC going a meager 68-145-10 (.327%). Hmm, guess that argument doesn’t work either.

- Carolina’s overall football record stands at 515-517-44 where as Clemson is 616-422-45. Wow, good luck next year cause I really hope you break even. On the all time wins list, Clemson ranks decently as 29th. Carolina is 60th. Other notable teams that bridge the gap between our two schools are Utah, Rutgers, Illinois, Kentucky, Central Michigan, Kansas, Vanderbilt, Tulsa, Louisiana Tech, and Baylor. On a list sorted percentage-wise Clemson comes in at 34th while the Gamecocks are 88th… out of 117 division 1-A teams.

- The Gamecocks hold only one regular season championship which is the 1969 ACC championship. That’s a pretty bare trophy case if you ask me. Clemson has 13 ACC championships and one modern era AP National Championship. Granted Clemson is only 15-14 overall in bowl games, we still have 15 bowl victories and we’ve been to 29 recognized bowls. Carolina is only 4-9.

- I’ve heard a lot of my South Carolina friends rib me about how Clemson fans are rednecks. Ok yeah, we’re an agriculture school. You’re bound to have some farm boys in the mix. But both teams have their share of t-shirt fans and I think it’s safe to say that USC probably holds the edge on us that category. I’ll concede that defeat gladly. I worry about you guys sometimes, I really do. Also, a poorly photoshopped picture of Britney Spears in a Carolina football uniform doesn’t help. On another celebrity note, having Dale Earnhardt Jr. as a big fan doesn’t help your argument either. Not saying I don’t like Jr. or NASCAR, but I’m just saying. Lastly, it’s painfully obvious that Clemson has more stringent academic standards than South Carolina does making it a harder school to get into.

- As I stated before, you beat us 31-28 last year. Wow, you beat us by three points in our house. I got one for you, we beat you by four points at your house the year before. Oh, and 22 points the year before that… and 46 the year before that… and seven the year before that. Cockpit, America? Please. I’d like to submit to the court room the following evidence:

- I’m sick and tired of all this Spurrier talk. You know what, we’ve heard it twice before with Brad Scott and Lou Holtz. He’s not great till he has done something at Carolina. 15-10 isn’t something. Granted he’s a better coach than we have, head to head he’s still 1-1 against us.

- Finally and most importantly… 63-37-4.

Look, I’m not judging, but I just saw Willy Mac’s list of downloaded/shared music from OiNK (thank’s Brad from 12th Manchild for hooking us up), and it looks pretty gay. Other than Loggins, Huey Lewis, and Hall & Oates, of course. I’m not saying it’s gay, I’m just saying his downloads should come with AIDS. They’re not homo, but you should listen to them while you sip an AZT cocktail. I’m not saying they’re effeminate, but they should be listened to on a pink iPod Nano carried in a purse. I’m not saying his music selection is queer, but even Freddie Mercury thinks it’s faggoty. I’m not insinuating that Willy Mac has the musical taste of a woman or a homosexual, but someone suggested he download Elton John’s greatest hits and he claimed that was, as he said, “overly macho.” Again, I’m not judging, but James Blunt says you’re a pussy. James Blunt.

Two, count ‘em, two Fiona Apple albums? Dave Matthews? What the hell is this techno shit we can’t even pronounce? Michael McDonald not in Doobie Brothers form? Look, I’m not judging, but what the fuck?

“I always hear people telling me that Willy Mac is the funnier poster, that he started the blog, that he owns a duck, and that I should get a duck too, yadda yadda yadda.” - Chili

Ok, so what, I occasionally enjoy socks and sandals so that my feets don’t freeze. It irks me now that momentum has shifted to Chili’s side of the blog. Kudos to Chili for looking into getting a pet sloth, which he’s said to me that he might actually carry through with when he goes back to grad school. But, I’ve got the inside track on something here sportsfans. Annexation of Puerto Rico on three… Ready… BREAK!

I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, or that there’s anything wrong with it… I just find it a little odd that Chili eats Pedo-Tarts. I mean, usually for breakfast I eat a raw steak with coffee grains and top it off by smoking a cigar. That’s just cause I’m a man. Chili eats Hello Kitty Pop-Tarts accompanied from what I can only imagine is some sort of fruit juice in a sippy cup. Just think of that next time you read one of Chili’s hilarious posts. The author of the post is a Hello Kitty fan by default. Revenge is a dish best served with a warm fruit middle after two minutes in the toaster.

I just don’t know if I can trust a man that enjoys “Meow-Berry.”