Archive for the Sakerlina Category
Sun Tzu once said something to the affect of “The enemy of my enemy is my friend.” He also wisely stated “If you can’t beat ‘em - talk shit on future opponents’ messageboards.” This sad Sakerlina fan has decided to do just that over on some ‘Husker forums.
Memorial Stadium
Clemson, South Carolina
November 29, 2008, 2:21 PM
South Carolina Quarterback Chris Smelley is about to make a game changing play. We take you, now, inside his mind.
Coach Spurrier called 49 Z Action Cobra Trips. Alright… assess the defense… what’s that… nickel? Dime? Okay, I got it… I got it… first row, second from the left on NCAA 09. I wish those guys would stop moving around.
Okay. You can do this Chris, BREATHE. I am a star. I’m a star, I’m a star, I’m a star. I am a big, bright, shining star. That’s right.
Droppin’ back. Drop-ping back. Here we go… SHIT, they’re rushing right at me so fast. Cross the legs, don’t shuffle, belly button to receiver. They’re coming…. *WOOP* fuck yeah, sidestep. Right trigger, motherfuckers.
*Strikes cool pose for photo*
Okay, Chris, remember your fundamentals. Elbow at ear height… Lead with the elbow… Snap thumb down. You got this. You GOT this. Lock and load! Cock n’ fire baby woooo!
Okay Kenny, here we go…. zipline football comin’ your way.
McKinley: “OVER HERE MAN, OVER HERE. Shit.”
That’s right, go baby go. Perfect spiral. Get there. GET THERE. NO. NOOOO. NOT AT ALL. WHAT THE FUCK MAN. THIS IS NOT THE OUTCOME I IMAGINED WHEN I THREW THE FOOTBALL.
What th… I juh… Get him. Some one get him. GET HIM. PLEASE SOMEONE TRIP HIM UP.
He’s still not down? Oh, come on. I don’t really get it. Everyone said that they were going to be like playing the scout team. Even Coach Spurrier said, “The scout team is lined up exactly how Clemson will.” Hmm. Maybe I took that a little too literally.
*Imagines Chris Clemons as the truck from Tango & Cash jumping over and through white jerseys.*
Oh, oh, oh, that was like, the best flick ever. I should see if that’s on iTunes when we get back to the hotel. You know what’s another good Kurt Russell movie? Big Trouble in Little China. I bet there’s a porno out there called Big Trouble in Little Vagina. I bet it has interracial themes. Wagering a guess, there.
Okay I know they won, but that’s just rude. They don’t have to point and stuff. They’re all happy and smiling and shit. Coach Spurrier smiles a lot, but sometimes I don’t think it’s a happy smile. What is that guy yelling at me? Did he call me a bitch? That’s not cool, man. What? He’s going to make me sit down when I pee? What the fuck does that even mean? I’m just glad Michael Irvin is holding him back.
Why are they all staring at me like that again? Why is Jamon Meredith looking at me like that…. He’s soooo scary. Jesus. He’s always looking so angry. But right now, he kinda looks super angry. He has dirty fingernails all the time too I wonder why. Gosh it’s awful orange here. They even have orange winter wear? That’s just good. Is it hot or is it just me? I bet Jamon thinks its hot too. But it is raining…
*Slowly shuffles to sideline and draws close to Succop.*
Succop: “Dude, no. Get away from me. I don’t want them to look at me any where near you.”
*Side steps back the other way close to Eric Davis.*
Davis: “Nope. Nuh uh.”
Tommy Beecher: “Dude, if you don’t want to play, just say so. That way, you don’t have to throw interceptions… you don’t have to throw at all. It’s great, we’ll play poker, and talk about cars. And chicks, and.. Do you wanna move in together? You wanna room? You wanna be friends? I know this great pizza place that we can call.”
Man, I shoulda shaved, I forgot how scratchy stubble is under your chinstra…
Spurrier: “Did you hear what the fuck I just said? Four interceptions now? Are you even tryin’, son?“
Man… coach is always ridin’ me.
[scene]
[images from The Greenville News]
One of the more interesting things you can find on Craigslist…
Very used, very old ball coach for sale. Comes with collection of visors and broken headsets. He does talk some, but says very little. His coach ‘em up feature is broken. Will consider trade for broken fishing rods, bent golf clubs, blown fuses, burned out light bulbs, or anything equally as useful. Asking $1.00, negotiable.
Location: Columbia, SC
This just in.
Clemson didn’t win today. Chris Smelley handed the game over. He’s the sole reason Sakerlina lost. I’ve learned this from reading these two blogs - Team Speed Kills (see how they deftly avoid mentioning Sakerlina in their title, they purport to be an SEC blog since, you know Gamecock fans are so well versed in the SEC since they have to have somebody through whom to live vicariously) and Garnet and Black Attack.
What I also learned from Garnet and Black Attack was that Clemson nicknamed their stadium after LSU’s Death Valley, which comes as a startling surprise to me as I thought Clemson was named that in 1948 by the Presbyterian College head coach, and LSU’s stadium had been known for a time as Deaf Valley due to its noise level, but never Death Valley until the Bayou Bengals decided to adjust it to match our nickname. I suppose there was some mix up on my part there, I’m sure. I guess I should take their sage wisdom with a grain of salt as they decided before the game that Clemson would bow to their defense.
The comments on that post, also, are a great fountain of wisdom for us Clemson fans. Reading those posts, and this followup article on GABA, we learn that it was Smelley and ONLY Smelley that lost the game. I remember thinking to myself, when CJ Spiller was breaking ankles, or James Davis was putting his shoulder down and making defenders look like schoolboy bitches, that it was remarkable to have Chris Smelley playing all eleven defensive positions simultaneously. Oh, my bad, I just now noticed that they do blame the defense. But only the third down defense, which, you know, is different than that OTHER defense. Clemson was among the worst teams in the nation when it came to third down conversion rates, but managed to gash open Sakerlina, go figure.
Team Speed Kills aims to show us that they’re above this whole rivalry. They’re over it, they’ve moved on. Hell, they’ve already got several posts up about the whole Sylvester Croom situation. What blowout loss to our hated rival? We don’t know what you’re talking about. Oh yeah, they cover the whole SEC, that’s right..
Let’s eviscerate take a look at some of their wise predictions, all the while taking into account that we picked Clemson to lose or barely win…
GABA has the following reasons listed for Sakerlina to win.
1) ACC vs. SEC. Wait. Just hold the fuck up. “WE’RE GOING TO WIN BECAUSE WE THINK OUR CONFERENCE IS TOUGHER AND THAT WILL HELP US BEAT YOU BECAUSE WE PLAY SOME REAL TOUGH TEAMS!” Seriously? Really? They’re still trying this old gag?
2) Davis and Spiller aren’t anything to worry about. And I quote, “But this year, much like the rest of The Team from the Upstate, there’s no reason to be concerned about them.” First off, let me tip my hat (I DON’T WEAR ONE BUT IM INTERNET-PRETENDING) to this guy. We give a phonetic spelling of South Carolina — “Sakerlina” — but this cat doesn’t even fucking say “Clempsun.” I could make a Tigernettish joke about him knowing the name since it’s who they make out those Williams-Brice rent checks to, but I won’t. OR DID I? Anyway, you know how this went - 179 yards and 3 TDs from Davis and Spiller. No worries!
3) Steve Spurrier: Most Important Game. Yeah, so he’s gonna try real hard, you guys!
4) The South Carolina Defense. Too bad those third down guys fucked it up for the rest of the vaunted defense who just gave up 56 points.
5) One Quarterback. Four Picks.
Hindsight is 20/20 and all, but — fuck — some guys are blind either way. I guess I oughta take anything a guy with the screen name CocknFire (some gimmicky horseshit meant to 1. describe the “stunningly efficient” Sakerlina offense and 2. work in yet another COCK reference into something relating to that school) with a grain of salt. My screen name might as well be TommyWestPowerFootball.
