To the old hangers on of DFIG, of course you know about my fan art posts. For the newer readers, welcome to my recurring post. Chili has his DSOT, and I have my less funny, not as frequent or popular, Football Fan Art post. This is probably one of the few corners of the internet that someone actually dedicates a segmented amount of their website to critiquing art that has been painted by crazed, invalid football fans. These paintings are mostly bought by similar rabid crazies of a team’s fan base and is either hung in the bonus room, or in Ohio State’s case, above the air conditioning unit inside the trailer so the pesky, mulleted neighbors can’t take it without it being obvious. Here is my first review of a UF glory days painting… that was before anyone had any idea that they were going to go to the Natty this year and skull-f*ck Ohio State right into the stratosphere. My second review is that of the WVU type… which means it was a painting filled with mostly escapees of the West Virginia Office of Behavioral Health Services and State Mental Health Agency.

This week we’re taking an in depth look at two, yeah I said it, TWO WHOLE Ohio State works of art. If you know me, then you know I don’t like Ohio State. If you know Tully, then you know that Tully likes the Buckeyes, just one factor that plays in the giant equation of Tully’s suckitude. So let’s take a scientific approach to this. First let’s review what we already know about Ohio State. The university itself is a pretty good institution, being ranked 19th in public universities and 57th overall for colleges in America. But when it comes to it’s fanbase, whoo boy… sit down for this. OSU has one of the widest and worst fan bases in the world. In the w-w-w-er-r-r-r-el-duh. With a current student enrollment of close to 52,000 people, it shouldn’t be too hard for fans to be connected academically to Ohio State, but too many times it usually proves not to be the case. Also, OSU fans tend to have a penchant for trashiness, rioting, violence, being noted underground white rappers, accosting fans of visiting teams, $100 handshakes, just getting real damn drunk, and the other taglines that follow a college football powerhouse. I’m sorry if this is a bit overkill, but I just don’t like Ohio State… sorry Tully. Their fans draw a striking resemblance to USC fans, except for that one little factor… OSU actually has something to brag about. Not only do they have something, they have a lot.

“If that was a Michigan coed, she’d be sipping from under the table.” - Chili

Hmm, this picture screams traditional Ohio State fan to me. T-shirt, jeans, backwards hat, cheap haircut at all hours of the day. Hanging out with friends? At a club? Family reunion? Job interview? Sunday morning church? Family Funeral? Masturbating in a public library? Never fear, for in Ohio you’re bound to find someone rocking out these digs inappropriately at formal events and functions. Speaking of sipping, there is a distinct probability that what they are drinking is not a milkshake… or what they call a “malt” up there. More than likely, these two love birds are on their seventh fully loaded long island. After they finish this one, he’ll probably look lovingly (or aggressively with a hint of rape) into her eyes and say something akin to “Hey bitch, I really like ya f*ckin’ eyes n’ sh*t.” More importantly, why is this picture news worthy? What could this picture possibly relate with anything so pertinent that The Buckeye Evening Post had to run a story on it? Lastly, I have drawn pictures in the snow with my piss that mean more than this worthless waste of paint.

You know what, people think that Jim Tressel is classy for wearing sweatervests at games. And you know what, if you’re an Ohio State fan probably thinks that wearing a free Nike sweatervest at games with a cheap dress shirt (sleeves rolled up) is a great fashion statement. Oh, and the Dickies just top it off. I like the guy, and I think he has done wonders with the program over there, so much so that it inspires a terrible jealous rage down in my gullot. It’s least a nice coat/tie/shirt combo. Come on, S & K got ya pinching your pennies? I know that’s not the case there, moneybags. Also, why so angry in the top left. Try to smile a little, its good for the soul and the heart. Honestly, if you take a step back and forget that this is Jim Tressel, he kinda looks like he has a bit of downs… just a bit. Lastly, I never realized the little pudge Jimbo seems to be packin there. Time to hit the treadmill pal, you’re in the national spotlight and you’re around weights and work-out equipment all day long.

So, it’s been a while, but lets break out the old easel and see what’s going on in the Football Fan Art spectrum.

Oh lord. Where do we start. I guess the artist was trying to capture fan reaction after a touchdown at a Pitt v. West Virginia game. I mean, the history between these schools is so great that I’m surprised that she painted it before anybody else did. I think we can all agree that when these two schools clash it is a battle for the ages… with about 55,000 people in attendance. I guess we could start by mentioning the fact that most of those “WV Dad” and “WV Mom” shirts could be changed to “WV Cousin/Spouse“… I’m actually surprised to see that the artist forgot to add in the whiskey vomit stains on all the WV fans shirts. If this picture were a little realistic, the mood of it wouldn’t even be focused on the excitement of the touchdown, but rather the joy of spitting on and beating up the Pitt fans trapped in this gaggle of inbreds. There are a few places that I’d never want to be and they are as follows: Trapped in a cell with a grizzly bear; An elderly woman’s panties; A WV game in section other than that designated for my team. For that matter, a WV game at all.

I think the only appropriate reaction in this painting is that of the Pitt fans looking at their tickets. “Oh my fucking god, we’re going to be murdered/lynched/crushed by a burning couch.”
I’d also like to point out the black guy, top left. A few points here:

• The only black people that go to WV are probably just the athletes.
• The only people that go to WV that have fade haircuts are the white rednecks that think they are black. You usually see these people driving to campus in their tricked out 92 Honda Civics or their makeshift Mitsubishi trucks. The reason this black gentleman was painted with a 1992 era fade haircut is that the only time this WVU fan/artist had ever seen a black man in person (not wearing a helmet) was this one time he visited his aunt in Chicago during the Reebok Pump era and was in awe at the fanciful haircuts these people sported when not wearing a Ridell. This experience has stuck with him up to now.

While we’re on that side of the picture, if you look closely, it seems as though the women beside the black guy is holding the Pitt woman by the shirt while the woman behind the Pitt fan is gearing up for a good club punch right in the back of the noggin. The WV Mom in the bright yellow sweatshirt… is that a release of emotions that signifies excitement or sheer terror? The sister-kissing redneck standing beside the black guy with his hands cupped is probably about to direct his profanities about 90 degrees to his left.

How would this look in a house? Chili says he would put it right above his toilet since he’s used to seeing that sort of reaction when he whips the ol hog leg out. I would imagine a rat nest of a shanty house and this painting would be hung in the only clean room in the house, a room thats sole purpose is to be dedicated to WV football. It would be one of those pseudo trophy rooms where the Banjo Player… errr… WV fan of this house has all of the teams accomplishments dusted everyday so that he may live vicariously through Rich Rodriguez and have daydreams about being a Mountaineer Football player. And of course, a dirty couch soaked in gasoline just in case.

Folks, this has got to stop. What in the world possesses fans (mostly comprised of fans for SEC schools) to make a “Beautifully rendered collectors edition print” including Steve Spurrier, Danny Weurfel, and a gaggle of other things making light of how good the Florida Gators USED to be. More so, why does it seem like everything in the painting has that whole Sunday afternoon barbeque feeling to it? Furthermore, why on earth have they included a commemorative coin? What did they auction this off at a Gators Unlimited gun raffle/oyster roast/redneck suare raffle type event?

Why on earth does everything in this painting have a halo around it? Is this painting just chillin up on the fake wooden walls or your trailer with JC or what? This painting is likened to a typical SEC fan: Always try to be classy but they always turn out to be trashy, loud mouthed, and delusional. Well hey, at least the painting doesn’t resemble the second two things that much. At least Florida can actually claim some pull of the SEC. At least they have something they can brag about. And now Florida fans have something else they can hang up beside the family photos. Good for you. You didn’t try to paint a nice vase or something that actually shows off your two year technical art college degree. No, no, no, friend, you made the right decision by making commemorative paintings for SEC schools. This painting puts the artist in the same category as “Crazy Cat Lady.”