Archive for the EKR Category
BACK THE FUCK UP! IS THAT SOME KORNAGANDA? YOU BET YOUR ASS IT IS.
Feel free to post this anywhere, as long as you include a link to Block-C.
I have to say this is the best poster ever made not inciting violence against an Axis power stereotype. I DREW THIS POSTER IN LIQUID ADRENALINE ON THE BACK OF A CAN OF BUD DIESEL I JUST CRUSHED ON MY FOREHEAD AND SCANNED IT INTO THE INTERNET WITH MY FISTS. WHAT, DID YOU THINK I WAS GOING TO MAKE ART ON A COMPUTER LIKE YOU NERDS? I’m literally L’ing out L at that thought. LOL.
So anyway… WILLY KORN is clearly being held back from starting by a deep ranging conspiracy among the Clemson administration. Look, it’s simple. WILLY KORN starts, Clemson is undefeated, Dabo Swinney gets to be hired full time instead of just being internet head coach. Also, the economic crisis probably wouldn’t be happening. WILLY KORN INSPIRES CONFIDENCE, A STEADY LONDON INTERBANK OFFERED RATE, AND CORRECT POSTURE. So, someone is holding him out and saying his shoulder is injured, which is ABSURD. THAT’S A SICK JOKE. His shoulder can only be injured by two things 1) an enraged Brock Lesnar (is there any other kind?) chained to a pack of wildebeasts who are also chained to a NUCULAR WARHEAD that’s on fire and B) YOUR LACK OF BELIEF THAT WILLY KORN IS THE GREATEST FUCKING QUARTERBACK ON THE PLANET. IT’S YOUR FAULT! YOU DON’T BELIEVE! YOU AREN’T ALL IN! SOLID ORANGE! ONE CLEMSON! KORN! I FORGOT WHAT I WAS YELLING ABOUT.
WHO’S THE MOST EXTREME ANNOUNCER? DOC WALKER. NOT ONLY IS THIS MAN A LICENSED MEDICAL DOCTOR, BUT HE DESCRIBES PLAYERS AS CYBORGS SMELLIN’ BLOOD AND MAKES FUN OF MIKE HOGWOOD’S T-BONE INFATUATION. DUDE LOVES HIM SOME T-BONES, BUT WHO DOESN’T REALLY? HEAT SEEKING MISSILES, ROBOTS, CAVEMEN? THIS GUY’S LIFE IS LIKE THOSE CRAZY DREAMS THAT KID WHO PEES ON STUFF ON THE BACK OF TRUCKS HAD IN THAT ONE COMIC STRIP WITH THE TIGER.
DEAR CHINESE PEOPLE, STOP TRYING TO HUG PANDAS, THEY DON’T LIKE YOU LIKE THAT. THANKS, EKR.
SPREAD THE POSTER
EKR OUT.
(YES THAT IS A FERRARI SEGWAY ROLLIN ON RULERS (THAT’S TWELVE INCH RIMS TO YOU). EXTREME!!)
OKAY GROWN MEN OF THE KORN, THIS IS OUR MOMENT. (Sort of like that song CBS plays during the NCAA tournament, only not gay.)
Last week, Tommy Bowden stepped down. His best move: signing WILLY KORN, worst move: not playing him every down of every game. HINDSIGHT. DANNY FORD’S spirit animal, DABO SWINNEY took over. What does he do first thing? FIRES ROB SPENCE. EXTREME PINK SLIP. Then, he confirms WILLY KORN WILL START AGAINST GEORGIA TECH. ARGGGGGGGGGGGG…. SO AWESOME!!!!! LIKE A MONSTER TRUCK FULL OF SMALLER, YET FULLY OPERATIONAL MONSTER TRUCKS WHICH THEMSELVES ARE FULL OF TERYAKI BEEF JERKY. EXTREME HEART PALPITATIONS. Starting KORN but not firing Spence would’ve been like trying to put out a garbage fire with asparagus piss. STANK.
With WILLY KORN at QB and DABO SWINNEY (damned right he gets all caps, that’s EKR’s gold star, kids) coaching and calling the plays, the only suitable nickname has got to be El Diablo and The Magic Man: NOW YOU SEE ‘EM, NOW THEY JUST LIT YOUR FUCKING FACE ON FIRE. Upside: you’ll look like Ghost Rider. Downside: you’ll probably die or at the least be a burn victim and always look really surprised.
CULLEN IS NOT COOL WITH THIS DEMOTION.
CULLEN HARPER MAY NOT BE TAKING DEMOTION IN STRIDE, BUT AT LEAST HIS LEVEL 70 PALLADIN HAS NEVER BEEN STRONGER. HE ALSO BEAT HIS PREVIOUS RECORD OF MOST ‘MEATSPINS’ WATCHED IN ONE SITTING. I EVEN USED COMIC SANS FONT IN THIS IMAGE. COMIC SANS IS SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN TO BE THE LEAST EXTREME FONT EVER. COMIC SANS IS TO EXTREMITUDE WHAT ICE WATER IS TO BONERS. UNLESS YOURE AN ESKIMO OR SOME SHIT.
EKRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
HORSESHIT, COACH BOWDEN.How DARE you reject my chatter to install WILLY KORN as quarterback for life?!? I’m a reactionary alcoholic so ever since I read this garbage I’ve been mainlining the MOST EXTREME LIQUOR DRINK KNOWN TO MAN. Vodka-SURGE martini with a twist of kerosene. EXPLOSIVO. What’s that? You don’t have stockpiles of a soda that went out of production 7 years ago? You dumb asshole. Even Wikipedia knows it’s the MOST EXTREME SOFT DRINK KNOWN TO MAN.
“Surge was widely associated with the extreme sports lifestyle.”
FACE. And we all know Wikipedia is right ALL THE TIME.
ON TO FOOTBALL….. AND BEYOND.
BETTER THAN PERFECT. SUPERFECT. (GET IT? I SQUEEZED TWO WORDS TOGETHER LIKE A VOCABULARICULAR S’MORE. MMM S’MORES)
The Clemson-SC State box score shows that one quarterback (HINT: NOT KORN) threw 2 interceptions, and one quarterback (HINT: KORN) threw AND ran for a touchdown. Let me clear this up for you. WILLY KORN IS NOT EVEN A RUNNINGBACK BUT HE RAN FOR A TOUCHDOWN. The White Woody Dantzler also shows up in the box score as being 7-for-7 in passing for 76 yards. BULLSHIT. I SAW THE GAME AND HE WAS 8-FOR-7. “What?” you say, “how can someone connect on more passes than they throw?” BECAUSE HE THREW A PASS WITH HIS FUCKING MIND.
“ICE-OLATED INCIDENT” (EXTREME PUN)
As this site reported earlier, Cullen Harper has complained that his 10 year old sister heard harassing statements by Clemson fans at the game Saturday. EXCUSE ME. All I said was “Sweety, don’t you wish you were WILLY KORN’s sister instead of related to this Swan?” Then I took her frozen lemonade and spiked it on some old man’s head in front of her and yelled EXTREME!!!! I apologized as I was escorted out by security. SOCIALLY UNACCEPTABLE - EKR.
COMPLAINTS, ETC
Somebody JUST commented on year old EKR, OBJECTS IN MIRROR ARE AWESOMER THAN THEY APPEAR. Here’s what they had to say:
Author : Harlie/Mrs. Harper (IP: redacted)
E-mail : (redacted)
Comment:
I don’t know who wrote this but it’s total bull shit! I’m a really big Clemson fan and all, and I love Willy Korn. But this is kinda stupid! I mean really who sits around and comes up with shit like this??? I don’t see YOU out there trin to do nothin dumb ass!
FIRST OFF, I wrote this. EKR. Me. I sit around and come up with shit like this. Me. You should see the shit I come up with that I’m not legally allowed to post on this internet. I can’t even post it on 4chan. “I don’t see YOU out there trin to do nothin” - well, Mrs. Harper IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME AND NOT AN A.K.A., I WAS on the field “trin” to do somethin. After the NC State game. Up in a certain coach’s FACE. “OBRIEN YOU BETTER BE GLAD KORN DIDN’T START OR YOUR LILLY WHITE SKIN WOULD BE BURNED RED BY HIS AWESOMENESS WHERE IT WOULD THEN MATCH THE COLOR SCHEME OF YOUR NEW SCHOOL” and then I spit Corn Nuts on him and slapped the nearest child in the face. I was instantly sprayed with mace, but I’ve developed EXTREME IMMUNITY just like that dude in UNDER SEIGE 2. Which reminds me, why aren’t there more train based thrillers in our American action movies? WHY, HOLLYWOOD, WHY!? Also, EXTREME IMMUNITY would be the perfect name for the next Steven Segal movie. BALLS.
RANDOM EXTREME THOUGHTS
IF I were a billionaire I would fund Clemson athletics, become the Pickens T. Boone Pickens and just run shit. Don’t wanna start KORN? You’re fired. But, I’m not a billionaire. I’m not a millionaire either. Hell, I’m not even a DOLLAR MENUNAIRE. Times are tough, hombres, and cheeseburgers is expensive.
Touchdown Jesus is missing from the Notre Dame campus. He’s posted up outside the Hill to watch WILLY KORN play on Saturday.
Is there anyone looking forward to Beverly Hills Chihuahuas more than me? NO. No there is not. Not even the producers. I’ve written literally TWO VOLUMES of BHC fan fiction.
WILLY KORN’s touchdowns count for 12 points. His 2-point conversions count as 1ups.
EXTREME SNACK FOOD IDEA: Pringles made of beef jerky. Call em Jingles, or Shingles or some shit. EXTREME MEAT TUBE.
The LARGE HADRON KORNLIDER broke down this week. Nobody knows why the 10 foot wide, 17 mile long science tube was broken, but I think WILLY KORN tried to have sex with it, and stretched the fucker out. EXTREME MEAT TUBE. INAPPROPRIATE - EKR
EKR - OUT LIKE A BONER IN SWEATPANTS
Today’s EKR is brought to you by the opening of the CERN Large Hadron Collider.
It’s gotta be diving providence or some shit. Just over two NON-EXTREME weeks into the season and Coach Bowden is already throwing Cullen under the CAT bus. Some writer with a “college education” has written things about it here on a website that is not Block-C. Look, I got nothing against Cullen, on a Baldwin scale of Stephen to Alec, he’s a solid Billy.
WILLY KORN is waiting in the wings, which is also my favorite discount beach accessory warehouse. Fuck those uppity Eagles jerkoffs.
So anyway, in preparation of the unleashing of WILLY KORN, those French assholes open up some big ass science donut underground. HOLD UP, EKR, you might say, THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WILLY KORN, HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING TOILET WINE AGAIN? Well, yes, but that’s besides the point. This science donut is called the LARGE HADRON KORNLIDER. BALLS. Even the FRENCH know the awesomeness and extremitude of WILLY KORN. He’s like the new JEAN CLAUDE VAN-DAMME, the most EXTREME Frenchman (Belgium, whatever, same fucking difference - BETTER WAFFLES) ever.
The science donut and WILLY KORN have a lot in common:
- worth 10 billion dollars
- can create tiny black holes
- smash atoms, records
- 17 miles around
- can throw lightening bolt TD passes
- can potentially destroy the earth
- this space intentionally left blank
Hopefully before the crazy physics bagel blows the world the fuck up WILLY KORN will get some goddamn snaps.
FUCK YOU I STILL PLAY DREAMCAST.
EKR OUT.
- EXTREME OLAN MILLS
People have been coming up to me all summer and saying things like “Hey EKR, are you still going to pull for WILLY KORN now that he’s locked in as a backup?” and “EKR, better start an extreme Cullen Harper Report.” and “EKR, you told me that was just a cold sore.” Same old complaints over and over. Well, let me tell ya one thing, AUTOBOTS, I’m not stopping the EXTREME KORN REPORT because WILLY KORN will start this year. He’ll outshine the heralded SWAN Cullen Harper. How do I know this? Because I know WILLY KORN is studying CULLEN night and day. Waiting. SCHEMING. EXTREMING. He knows that Cullen loves corn on the cob, doodling in 5-Star College Ruled Notebooks, and the thought of starting in front of him FOR LITERALLY EVERY SINGLE GAME THIS YEAR. How does he know this? Because WILLY KORN picks through Cullen’s shit, goes through Cullen’s trash, and IS INSIDE CULLEN’S FUCKING HEAD. Not literally. Not like some Fantastic Voyage shit. But he will LEARN and get BETTER like some awesome 80s MONTAGE. AND START. HE’S GONNA START DAMMIT. EGGGGGSSTTREEEAAAAM.
How do I know this? Let’s just say I’m a fan. I pick through his — uh — garbage. Yes. Garbage. And things.
EEEE
KAY
ARR
OUTTTTTTT.
This is a TOAST bed, motherfucker.
