Posted by Chili

The State is reporting that WILLY KORN is extremely getting the fuck out of Clemson. I don’t believe it. It’s a balled faced LIE. I’m going to do some investigatory reporting and get back to you. This… this can’t be true. FUCK YOU CULLEN HARPER.

EKR OUT

Posted by Willy Mac

Korn is leaving Clemson. Stay tuned for more info. Presser later today.

Posted by Chili

DID YOU HEAR THIS HORSESHIT? Coach Dabo Swinney promised WILLY KORN playing time in each and every football contest this year but he’s  LYING LIAR WHO IS LYING TO WILLY KORN. DABO SWINNERY IS FULL OF SHIT. Swinnery? What? Damnit, typo, okay I’m going to roll with this. No, no, it makes complete sense. Dabo seems like a good guy, he must’ve been replaced by an EVIL DOPPLERGAINER set to ruin the Clemson football program! EXACTLY. Evil twin. Who else would throw a dog turd on a DELICIOUS CAKE OF TALENTED ATHLETES AND SOME ICING THAT ISN’T THAT CREAM CHEESE GARBAGE by starting that baseball player guy at quarterback?

That damned Dabo Swinnery. I bet he wears a tophat and his mole is on the other side of his face and he has a goatee or some facial hair, I mean evil twins have to wear facial hair right? If it’s like a cool mustache or something he probably twirls it a lot. Probly looks like a motherfucker who ties women to train tracks back in olden times when you had to read shit on movies that weren’t even foreign. READING=EXTREMELY LAME (yeah fuck you dude from Star Trek with the headband shades). Except you reading this, that’s cooler than penguin titties.

Here is a photo of what Dabo Swinnery may or may not look like (IT’S NOT A REAL PICTURE ITS PHOTOSHOP I WASNT SURE IF YOU NOTICED). Also, Terranadon Phillips was sitting next to him but I changed his face to an exlopsion of hang loose signs because, well, it’s an improvement. BOOM FLASHING THE GNARLY.

My point, however, is that WILLY KORN only got off SIX GODDAMNED PASSES Saturday. SIX. Of those, how many did he complete? The answer: AS MANY AS HE WANTED TO COMPLETE. Which happened to be four. For reals you guys, yeah Dabo Swinnery can say he gave WILLY KORN playing time, but that’s like me claiming to have full sex with my lady when she only let me get the shaft wet. WEAKSAUCE.

PUT IN WILLY KORN. ALL THE WAY, SWINNERY. ALL THE WAY. BRUISED CERVIX.


I MISS PLANTERS CHEEZ BALLS


EKR OUT.

Posted by Chili

DON’T BELIEVE THE HYPE~!!!!1 EKR FOR LIFE!!!

Posted by Chili

WHAT WILLY KORN DID ON HIS SPRING BREAK
AS IMAGINED BY EKR

I DON’T KNOW WHAT WILLY KORN DID FOR HIS SPRING BREAK LAST WEEK, AND A CERTAIN “RESTRAINING ORDER” IS KEEPING ME FROM “LEGALLY TRACKING HIS MOVEMENTS” ANYMORE, SO I AM IMAGINEERING SOME SHIT UP THAT I BET THAT GOLDEN ARMED FUCKER DID LAST WEEK.

Look, Clemson isn’t the most exciting place on the planet (unlike the inside parts of my Zubaz, HIYOOOOOOO), but WILLY KORN was stuck in Tiger Town because of spring practice so he had no choice. Now, WILLY KORN is straight up known in the Spring Break hot spots of the world. Rumor has it that he’s banned from every Carlos N’ Charlies this side of the equator because of an incident involving a bandoleer of tequila shots, a greased up bottle of Cabo Wabo, and a member of the Rutgers dance team. So anyway, he’s stuck in Clemson because he has to show out and melt bitches faces off with his five finger exploding palm death TD pass and whatnot.  So what’s a platinum shouldered future LEGEND to do? GET EXTREME AND PUSH IT TO THE MAX! ALL IN!

So, with only his supply of spring break snacks in front of him, WILLY KORN went all fuckin’ Ty Pennington on a kick-ass houseboat to rock out (cock-out optional) on Hartwell ALL WEEK LONG. You’d be surprised how seaworthy a 2 story houseboat made predominantly from Slim-Jims and grape Big League Chew is… if you weren’t WILLY KORN… which you AREN’T…. unless you are….  The highlight of the EXTREME HOUSEBOAT is definitely the vagina-shaped swimming pool. Just like in life, WILLY KORN is always ready to dive in head first. so anyway, after the upstate fat cats drained Lake Keowee to fill Hartwell to the brim so WILLY KORN could experience optimum EXTREME HOUSEBOAT CONDITIONS, he threw an EXTREME HOUSEBOAT SPRING BREAK PARTY. Everybody was there: Macho Man, Gallagher, some of those X-Games dudes, that DJ from Zoolander, Stacey Keibler, that redhead chick who danced on top of that car in that Whitesnake video, your mom, President Barker, The Fridge, the guy who talked real fast in those Micro Machines commercials, Matthew Lesko, your sister, me, Octomom, the Swedish Bikini Team, some Vivid girls, OH YEAH and your mom.

Dude, it was just like when MTV Spring Break went to that fuckin’ lake in New Mexico or wherever back in the 90s. I bet that dude from The Grind was there trying to pick up chicks just by doing an up-tempo dance to How Bizarre telling them that he’s that dude from The Grind. I bet that shit works like a motherfucker, too. But then in ten years some chick is all like “I banged that dude from The Grind that one time” and all her friends know it but they try to keep it from her fiance because he’s from a really conservative family and they wouldn’t approve of his wife having taken some Grindcock back in the day. Yeah.

WILLY KORN’s WRESTLING NAME IS SONIC FRANKENSTEIN. MARINATE ON THAT.

ALSO, IF YOU LIKE THAT FLO-RIDA SONG “RIGHT ROUND” THEN PLEASE GO FUCK YOURSELF.

EKRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR OUT