Posted by Chili

Today’s EKR is brought to you by the opening of the CERN Large Hadron Collider.

It’s gotta be diving providence or some shit. Just over two NON-EXTREME weeks into the season and Coach Bowden is already throwing Cullen under the CAT bus. Some writer with a “college education” has written things about it here on a website that is not Block-C. Look, I got nothing against Cullen, on a Baldwin scale of Stephen to Alec, he’s a solid Billy.

WILLY KORN is waiting in the wings, which is also my favorite discount beach accessory warehouse. Fuck those uppity Eagles jerkoffs.

So anyway, in preparation of the unleashing of WILLY KORN, those French assholes open up some big ass science donut underground. HOLD UP, EKR, you might say, THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WILLY KORN, HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING TOILET WINE AGAIN? Well, yes, but that’s besides the point. This science donut is called the LARGE HADRON KORNLIDER. BALLS. Even the FRENCH know the awesomeness and extremitude of WILLY KORN. He’s like the new JEAN CLAUDE VAN-DAMME, the most EXTREME Frenchman (Belgium, whatever, same fucking difference – BETTER WAFFLES) ever.

The science donut and WILLY KORN have a lot in common:

• worth 10 billion dollars
• can create tiny black holes
• smash atoms, records
• 17 miles around
• can throw lightening bolt TD passes
• can potentially destroy the earth
• this space intentionally left blank

Hopefully before the crazy physics bagel blows the world the fuck up WILLY KORN will get some goddamn snaps.

FUCK YOU I STILL PLAY DREAMCAST.

EKR OUT.

Posted by Willy Mac

Peter Lalich is a man among men. A mountain bear of a man with a football as a chew toy and a neolithic stone arm from outer space. But no, Lalich wasn’t just born into greatness. He had to hit the baptismal fire of life head on in a crazy windmill fashion that only he could pull off with awkward smoothness. Perhaps you have already seen his AMAZING WIKIPEDIA ENTRY. If you haven’t seen it, this is unacceptable. Fortunately, I’m here to not only provide you with a link to the article but to also to fill in the gaps that were left out. This is the amazing (semi) true story of one Master Peter Lalich navigated by yours truly with the assistance of a few facebook pictures (thank you public domain laws!)…

Peter Lalich: Harder than galvanized steel… forged in Springfield, Virginia

Young Peter was born on May 18th, 1988 to… uh… Peter Lalich who then subsequently… uh, named his son… Peter… after “Pistol” Pete Maravich. Ipso facto, Peter Lalich is a reincarnation of Pete Maravich but with a penchant for football, not basketball. He then grew up and did some rather insignificant stuff until the day he picked up his first football and threw it into the next neighborhood. Unfortunately for Peter, athleticism can’t buy you friends at such an early age and he remained in a secluded sect of youngsters that is usually dominated by tall, goofy kids that nervously interact as little as possible with peers. Life was hard for Peter in Pop Warner, little did he know that life was only about the get much harder.

Lalich, like his hero Jack Lambert, was accustomed to losing teeth in his early football years due to his vicious and often raucous style of play.

The mental toughness that would later show in his UVA years was constructed in searing heat as well as hurricane type storms under thundering skies while practicing and learning from Coach van Gouda at Springfield Middle School. Most of his toughness, as one might assume occurred on the field, actually came from what happened between bells during school. Teenage years can be harsh on a youth, but due to Peter being the “tall, ugly, goofy kid,” puberty took it’s toll twice as hard on him. At lunch he was relegated to sitting by himself or sitting with the kids that were a hodgepodgery of cracking voices, pimples, and dorkishness. Lalich decided to walk the lonely road… furthering his journey down a war beaten path.

Next came high school. Still no friends. Still no girls. Still a big ug. Peter experimented with Puka shell necklaces, neon green hat/pink shirt combos, feuax burberry sweaters pulled low, and taking pictures with his arms crossed and his greasy bangs pulled into his face. It can’t really be explained in mere words. Thus, the photo journal:

It kinda makes me miss high school myself. Things changed however. Peter got a letter telling him he’s got a full ride to UVA. Given natural high school social dictation, within minutes he’s got everything he could ever want. Parties, chicks, etc. It doesn’t matter that he’s one ugly mother now. All of that goes away when ya sign with the Wahoos. Especially when you’re buried on the depth chart. That’s where the real action is. Simply put, Peter Lalich is the fucking man. He’s the Bomb.com. Seriously.

In fact, you should friend him on facebook, immediately. The reasoning behind this is the fact that he gives almost daily inspiration in his status updates ranging from statements like “Peter… snow so white, only thing missin is 7 dwarfs” and “Peter… str8 like arm hair.” I teared up when I read ” Peter… I just do my pete and everytime i speak my sentences are complete LOLOLOLOL.”

More so, Peter Lalich knows people. Want tickets to that Skid Row concert minutes before the show? No worries, Peter already has someone stuffing your tickets AND backstage passes in Will Call as we speak. He’s got you front and back. You wanna roll with Peter to lunch? Sure thing. He’ll just pick up his Kia Sorrento that the dealership lends him and be on his way over. Onward to lunch as you’re further impressed that EVERYONE KNOWS PETER. Even the people at Moe’s shout to him as he enters! Peter Lalich is a Campus Legend. In fact, he coined the phrase and sent it along to the NCAA football game developers, via e-mail… on his Blackberry. Stunningly, he’s so amazing that he even lists Rivals.com as his personal website on facebook!

Posted by Chili

HOLY SHIT PEOPLE THIS IS THE GREATEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE AND I ONCE SAW A SHARK EATING A LION EATING A MIDGET WHILE THE MIDGET WAS SINGING “ENTER SANDMAN” AND EATING A LUTHER VANDROSS BURGER DONUT. SRSLY U GUYS. CHUCK NORRIS WAS IN TOWN BECAUSE HE’S RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT, AND HE ASKED KORN TO BE HIS SECRETARY OF AWESOMENESS. MORE LIKE RAWESOME AMIRIGHT?
HERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT WILLY KORN AND CHUCK NORRIS DID IN CLEMSON YESTERDAY:
1) SHOOK HANDS AND SHOOK THE WORLD
2) DRANK DOWNTOWN. AND I DON’T MEAN THEY WENT DOWNTOWN TO DRINK, I MEAN THEY LITERALLY DRANK DOWNTOWN. BLAM.
3) KARATE CHOPPED THE PARKING NAZIS. JUDO CHOP!
4) MANAGED TO ORDER A MILKSHAKE AT MAC’S WITHOUT GETTING THE STINKEYE FROM THE GUY BEHIND THE COUNTER. TRUST ME, THAT’S EXTREME AS BALLS.
5) ATE SO MUCH THAT JUST MORE BBQ CHANGED THEIR NAME TO FUCK, NO MORE BBQ.
6) COMPLETED BEER PASSPORTS AT KEITH ST. NOT JUST THEIR OWN, BUT EVERY BEER PASSPORT THERE.
7) REENACTED THE 1993 MASTERPIECE “SIDEKICKS” SCENE FOR SCENE.
(SENSING A THEME WITH THESE? YEAH… EXTREME. EXTREME.)

I WISH THERE WAS A SUPER-CAPS-LOCK BUTTON FOR ME TO SHOW YOU HOW IMPORTANT AND EXCITED MY TEXT IS. WILLY KORN MEETING CHUCK NORRIS. MY ADRENAL GLAND JUST CAME. I’M SO EXCITED YOU GUYS I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING HOLY SHNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

EKR…HEART ATTACK OUTTTTTTTTTTT

Posted by Willy Mac

Throughout this whole pre-bowl coach swap drama that’s been going on in the college football world (not to mention our own brush with said drama) , I sat back and thought about how awesome it would be to go back in time through different eras with wanton disregard for the space/time continuum as well as the lines of reality with boatloads of cash to create my own hyper-masculine, bad-assed coaching staff for Clemson. I sought out coaches with certain characteristics and talents they might be able to teach to our team of youngsters. I have compiled some pretty pictures and flashy youtube clips for your enjoyment as a part of their respective resumes. This list can also be swapped for a super crime fighting force, but I’d rather have them coaching at Clemson myself.

Defense

Defensive line – Steve Lattimer
Nowadays he’s busy being a chainsaw wielding psychopath, but back in the early 90s his business was hitting people so hard that they got snot bubbles. If you’ve ever seen the movie The Program then you know what I’m talking about. Sure he had a few run ins with the NCAA drug testing officials but I always say everyone deserves a second chance… or a third, whatever. Just don’t get caught this time.

No resume need be submitted other than the following video clips:

Linebackers and Defensive Coordinator – “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan

Jim Duggan: King of ass-kicking.

Going with the energetic theme, I think Duggan would be the perfect addition. Granted, you can’t understand a word he says, but just think about how riled up he gets people. Defense is supposed to be chaotic anyways. Perhaps not this chaotic, but still… can you imagine 80+ thousand people chanting “U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!” and some Furman player going “But… we’re from… America, too? These Clemson folks are some crazy fuckers.”

Defensive backs – Apollo Creed

We need the Apollo Creed from the original Rocky. The one that was a bad ass. The one that didn’t like anyone if they weren’t named Apollo Creed.

We’re talking about speed, fast footwork, hitting people with your hands, and an arrogance/confidence hybrid. Who else would be perfect for the job? Let’s just hope that there are no in conference opponents that have wide receivers that are seven feet tall, from Russia, and have inhuman strength. Also, Creed’s entourage (to include a very drugged out James Brown constantly singing “Living in America” and that trainer that never really said anything till Rocky VI) would probably make things much more interesting and fun.

Offense

Offensive line – E. Honda

He could also maybe have some new ideas for eye black designs.

He is most known for his roles in the Street Fighter gaming series. I’ll have to admit, he was not my first option for an offensive line coach. After contractual talks with the Juggernaut fell through, my administration was hard pressed to find a new candidate. Upon hearing that Mr. Honda was available and seeking a new job, we gave him a rang. Yes, he still has lighting fast hands and yes, he still uses his body as a projectile to take out opponents.

Quarterbacks – Tommy Frazier

“Simply untacklable” – The definition of Tommy Frazier found in the standard version of Merriam-Webster.

I was hard pressed as I had three candidates in mind. Jim McMahon would have been too drunk to stand, let alone coach (“I’m too drunk, you got me!“). Woody Dantzler was my next choice, but something told me to go with Tommy. There were a few reasons I chose Frazier. The first being that he did so well for life to turn around and take a dump on him. The second being my man needs a job and that’s one less trip I’d have to take in my time machine (Duke Power’s billing center thanks me for one less “Obscene Overuse Statement” that they would have had to file). Lastly and most importantly, aside from Bowden, he’s the most experienced person when it comes to embarrassing a Steve Spurrier coached team in a nationally televised game.

Running backs -Tecmo Bo

Simply maddening. If you weren’t on Bo’s team, you lost. My cousin’s gaming skills still haunt me to this day. This is also a great example of the most effective way to outrun eleven pink alligators.

Receivers – Charlie Tweeder
Tweeder was an all-state receiver out of West Canaan High in Texas that had a largely unknown yet stellar career at a small division 1-AA school. Although he is the equivalent to a loose cannon on a rolling deck, his recruitment skills would be perfect to pick up where the current staff would leave off.

Just a few quotes that might help break the ice for recruits on a visit talking with Tweeder:
“Hey you wanna see the new Tweeder end zone dance?… [Tweeder dances] You know what it’s called?… The new Tweeder end zone dance.”
“…Bitches are all just panty droppers. You understand? That’s it… give ‘em Percocet, two Vicoden and a couple of beers, and the panties drop. It’s very nice… It’s niiiiiice.”
“[Insert recruit name here] you’re under arrest for not being naked with some sophomore chick who wants to bathe you with her tongue, now take off your clothes and get in the police car.”

A kind of guy that the kids could relate to. He’d be great on the recruiting trail.

Head coach and Offensive Coordinator – Danny Ford
This was a no brainer, huh? I would go back to January 19, 1990 and pick up that Danny as he’d be the best version we could get. I would have a few stipulations he’d probably be more than willing to agree with. One of those would be to just get rid of tight ends all together and to recruit more fullbacks and linemen. The next would be to get back to Clemson hard nosed football.

Rumors and lore state that after a ball game if coach Ford thought the officials did a good job and if his team won he sent a few cases of beer over to the officials locker room. Ah the glory days of college football before political correctness, NCAA investigators, and news media red tape got involved.

Special Teams – Ultimate Warrior
Special teams don’t make any sense to me. Plus you don’t really need a pep talk. You just need someone to sound like they’re straining to shit out a twenty pound bowling ball while flexing their muscles and then say “Smear the fuckin’ queer.” Although, he might try to force some really conservative bat shit crazy Republican values on our guys, resulting in the same kinda problems we have now… no… wait… nothing is worse than what we have now. Go, Warrior go. Plus, who else is better than turning momentum around in a fight?

Yeah… what he said… Now go out there… and… uh… yeah.

Posted by Chili

PRESENTING THE FIRST ANNUAL MT. KORNMORE, IT’S LIKE THE HALL OF FAME OF HALLS OF FAME… OF AWESOMENESS.

CHUCK D (PUBLIC ENEMY, POINDEXTER) ONCE AKSED “BASS. HOW LOW CAN YOU GO?” WELL, I DON’T KNOW, BRO. I’VE BEEN PRETTY LOW WHAT WITH THE MOST RADICAL PLAYER TO PUT ON FOOTBALL PADS STUCK ON THE SIDELINES. CHUCK D ALSO SAID “SOUL ON A ROLL BUT YOU TREAT IT LIKE SOAP ON A ROPE.” I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS BUT ITS POETIC. IN A TOTALLY STRAIGHT WAY, UNLIKE MOST POETRY I READ INSIDE OF BATHROOM STALLS. SO WHILE I COULDN’T WATCH KORN ON THE FIELD I PUT MY EFFORTS INTO FINDING EXAMPLES OF KORNNESS (NOT KORNINESS DAMNIT, THAT’S HACK) IN POP CULTURE.

IN THE SPIRIT OF WILLIAM KORN, I HAVE ASSEMBLED THE FIRST “MT KORNMORE” OF BADASSES. FROM LEFT TO RIGHT WE HAVE:

TOM BERENGER FROM PLATOON: DON’T SLEEP ON YOUR PATROL DUTY OR HE’LL MURDER YOUR DREAMS. HE OUT-GRIZZLED WILLEM DAFOE, AND THAT’S A HELL OF A TASK. SOMETIMES I CONFUSE HIM WITH TOM BERGERON. MY B (BAD). THIS WAS A TOSSUP BETWEEN BERENGER IN SNIPER OR BERENGER IN PLATOON AND IT CAME DOWN TO GOOGLE IMAGES, BASICALLY.

BILL MURRAY FROM KINGPIN: HE HAD FULL SEX WITH WOMEN, HAD RAGING AWESOME HAIR, AND HAD A FIERY COMPETITIVE SPIRIT.

BILL DANCE FROM EVERY FISHING SHOW EVER: YOU CAN GIVE A MAN A FISH OR YOU CAN TEACH HIM TO FISH AND GIVE HIM A FISHING SHOW THAT PLAYS IN PERPETUITY ON CHANNEL 554 ON YOUR SATELLITE. NOT ONLY HAS HE BEEN ROCKING THE BUG EYE GLASSES SINCE BEFORE KANYE AND THE TRUCKER HAT BEFORE ASHTON (KUTCHER, SILLY) HE COULD PROBABLY STILL CATCH FISH LIKE A MUG IF HE WERE PARALYZED FROM THE NECK DOWN.

MICKEY ROURKE FROM THE POPE OF GREENWICH VILLAGE: IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THIS MOVIE, GO, NOW. JUST PRETEND THAT WILLY KORN IS MICKEY ROURKE AND WILL PROCTOR IS ERIC ROBERTS. SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT.

NOW, ON TO OUR MAN KORN.

I GET LITERALLY SEVERAL EMAILS A MONTH ASKING ME, NO BEGGING THE EKR TO THE CLEMSON RESEARCH DEPARTMENT BETTER GET ON SOME STEM CELL RESEARCH OR SOME SHIT TO FIX KORN’S SHOULDER. WELL I’M JUST A MAN, AND I CAN’T DO THAT. I COULDN’T EVEN GO TO THE CAMPUS TO ASK. OUTSIDE OF THE RESTRAINING ORDER PLACED ON ME BY CLEMSON (THEY DON’T LIKE YOU DRUNKENLY STALKING YOUR FAVORITE PLAYERS, WHO KNEW?), I HAD A RUN IN WITH JOHNNY LAW AND NOW CAN ONLY TRAVEL BY MOPED. NOT EXTREME!!! WELL THAT’S LIFE. AS FOR WHAT EKR’S FAVORITE PLAYER HAS BEEN UP TO SINCE ASPLODING HIS SHOULDER BONE, I’VE HEARD SOME RUMORS. SOME SAY HE HAS BEEN HITCHHIKING TOWARDS THE ALASKAN WILDERNESS TO GO LIVE IN A BUS. I DON’T KNOW IF THAT’S TRUE BUT I KNOW WILLY KORN IS THE BIG MAN ON CAMPUS AND ALSO WOULD’VE IMPREGNATED LIKE 3 WHOLE SORORITIES BY NOW, BUT WILLY KORN IS A GENTLEMAN, AND WILLY KORN PULLS OUT. WILLY KORN TEMPORARILY TRANSFERRED TO FLORIDA AND HAS BEEN PLAYING UNDER THE ALIAS “TIM TEBOW.” HE PLAYED IN THE CAROLINA GAME UNDER THE “AKA” “NELSON FAERBER.” HE LED A SLAVE REBELLION IN THE ITALIAN PENINSULA UNDER HIS SLAVE NAME: SPARTACUS.

EKR, UNEXPECTED OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!

THIS LIL DUDE JUST SAW WILLY KORN IN THE FLESH.