Peter Lalich is a man among men. A mountain bear of a man with a football as a chew toy and a neolithic stone arm from outer space. But no, Lalich wasn’t just born into greatness. He had to hit the baptismal fire of life head on in a crazy windmill fashion that only he could pull off with awkward smoothness. Perhaps you have already seen his AMAZING WIKIPEDIA ENTRY. If you haven’t seen it, this is unacceptable. Fortunately, I’m here to not only provide you with a link to the article but to also to fill in the gaps that were left out. This is the amazing (semi) true story of one Master Peter Lalich navigated by yours truly with the assistance of a few facebook pictures (thank you public domain laws!)…

Peter Lalich: Harder than galvanized steel… forged in Springfield, Virginia

Young Peter was born on May 18th, 1988 to… uh… Peter Lalich who then subsequently… uh, named his son… Peter… after “Pistol” Pete Maravich. Ipso facto, Peter Lalich is a reincarnation of Pete Maravich but with a penchant for football, not basketball. He then grew up and did some rather insignificant stuff until the day he picked up his first football and threw it into the next neighborhood. Unfortunately for Peter, athleticism can’t buy you friends at such an early age and he remained in a secluded sect of youngsters that is usually dominated by tall, goofy kids that nervously interact as little as possible with peers. Life was hard for Peter in Pop Warner, little did he know that life was only about the get much harder.

Lalich, like his hero Jack Lambert, was accustomed to losing teeth in his early football years due to his vicious and often raucous style of play.

The mental toughness that would later show in his UVA years was constructed in searing heat as well as hurricane type storms under thundering skies while practicing and learning from Coach van Gouda at Springfield Middle School. Most of his toughness, as one might assume occurred on the field, actually came from what happened between bells during school. Teenage years can be harsh on a youth, but due to Peter being the “tall, ugly, goofy kid,” puberty took it’s toll twice as hard on him. At lunch he was relegated to sitting by himself or sitting with the kids that were a hodgepodgery of cracking voices, pimples, and dorkishness. Lalich decided to walk the lonely road… furthering his journey down a war beaten path.

Next came high school. Still no friends. Still no girls. Still a big ug. Peter experimented with Puka shell necklaces, neon green hat/pink shirt combos, feuax burberry sweaters pulled low, and taking pictures with his arms crossed and his greasy bangs pulled into his face. It can’t really be explained in mere words. Thus, the photo journal:

It kinda makes me miss high school myself. Things changed however. Peter got a letter telling him he’s got a full ride to UVA. Given natural high school social dictation, within minutes he’s got everything he could ever want. Parties, chicks, etc. It doesn’t matter that he’s one ugly mother now. All of that goes away when ya sign with the Wahoos. Especially when you’re buried on the depth chart. That’s where the real action is. Simply put, Peter Lalich is the fucking man. He’s the Bomb.com. Seriously.

In fact, you should friend him on facebook, immediately. The reasoning behind this is the fact that he gives almost daily inspiration in his status updates ranging from statements like “Peter… snow so white, only thing missin is 7 dwarfs” and “Peter… str8 like arm hair.” I teared up when I read ” Peter… I just do my pete and everytime i speak my sentences are complete LOLOLOLOL.”

More so, Peter Lalich knows people. Want tickets to that Skid Row concert minutes before the show? No worries, Peter already has someone stuffing your tickets AND backstage passes in Will Call as we speak. He’s got you front and back. You wanna roll with Peter to lunch? Sure thing. He’ll just pick up his Kia Sorrento that the dealership lends him and be on his way over. Onward to lunch as you’re further impressed that EVERYONE KNOWS PETER. Even the people at Moe’s shout to him as he enters! Peter Lalich is a Campus Legend. In fact, he coined the phrase and sent it along to the NCAA football game developers, via e-mail… on his Blackberry. Stunningly, he’s so amazing that he even lists Rivals.com as his personal website on facebook!

HOLY SHIT PEOPLE THIS IS THE GREATEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE AND I ONCE SAW A SHARK EATING A LION EATING A MIDGET WHILE THE MIDGET WAS SINGING “ENTER SANDMAN” AND EATING A LUTHER VANDROSS BURGER DONUT. SRSLY U GUYS. CHUCK NORRIS WAS IN TOWN BECAUSE HE’S RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT, AND HE ASKED KORN TO BE HIS SECRETARY OF AWESOMENESS. MORE LIKE RAWESOME AMIRIGHT?
HERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT WILLY KORN AND CHUCK NORRIS DID IN CLEMSON YESTERDAY:
1) SHOOK HANDS AND SHOOK THE WORLD
2) DRANK DOWNTOWN. AND I DON’T MEAN THEY WENT DOWNTOWN TO DRINK, I MEAN THEY LITERALLY DRANK DOWNTOWN. BLAM.
3) KARATE CHOPPED THE PARKING NAZIS. JUDO CHOP!
4) MANAGED TO ORDER A MILKSHAKE AT MAC’S WITHOUT GETTING THE STINKEYE FROM THE GUY BEHIND THE COUNTER. TRUST ME, THAT’S EXTREME AS BALLS.
5) ATE SO MUCH THAT JUST MORE BBQ CHANGED THEIR NAME TO FUCK, NO MORE BBQ.
6) COMPLETED BEER PASSPORTS AT KEITH ST. NOT JUST THEIR OWN, BUT EVERY BEER PASSPORT THERE.
7) REENACTED THE 1993 MASTERPIECE “SIDEKICKS” SCENE FOR SCENE.
(SENSING A THEME WITH THESE? YEAH… EXTREME. EXTREME.)

I WISH THERE WAS A SUPER-CAPS-LOCK BUTTON FOR ME TO SHOW YOU HOW IMPORTANT AND EXCITED MY TEXT IS. WILLY KORN MEETING CHUCK NORRIS. MY ADRENAL GLAND JUST CAME. I’M SO EXCITED YOU GUYS I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING HOLY SHNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

EKR…HEART ATTACK OUTTTTTTTTTTT

Throughout this whole pre-bowl coach swap drama that’s been going on in the college football world (not to mention our own brush with said drama) , I sat back and thought about how awesome it would be to go back in time through different eras with wanton disregard for the space/time continuum as well as the lines of reality with boatloads of cash to create my own hyper-masculine, bad-assed coaching staff for Clemson. I sought out coaches with certain characteristics and talents they might be able to teach to our team of youngsters. I have compiled some pretty pictures and flashy youtube clips for your enjoyment as a part of their respective resumes. This list can also be swapped for a super crime fighting force, but I’d rather have them coaching at Clemson myself.

Defense

Defensive line - Steve Lattimer
Nowadays he’s busy being a chainsaw wielding psychopath, but back in the early 90s his business was hitting people so hard that they got snot bubbles. If you’ve ever seen the movie The Program then you know what I’m talking about. Sure he had a few run ins with the NCAA drug testing officials but I always say everyone deserves a second chance… or a third, whatever. Just don’t get caught this time.

No resume need be submitted other than the following video clips:

Linebackers and Defensive Coordinator - “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan

Jim Duggan: King of ass-kicking.

Going with the energetic theme, I think Duggan would be the perfect addition. Granted, you can’t understand a word he says, but just think about how riled up he gets people. Defense is supposed to be chaotic anyways. Perhaps not this chaotic, but still… can you imagine 80+ thousand people chanting “U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!” and some Furman player going “But… we’re from… America, too? These Clemson folks are some crazy fuckers.”

Defensive backs - Apollo Creed

We need the Apollo Creed from the original Rocky. The one that was a bad ass. The one that didn’t like anyone if they weren’t named Apollo Creed.

We’re talking about speed, fast footwork, hitting people with your hands, and an arrogance/confidence hybrid. Who else would be perfect for the job? Let’s just hope that there are no in conference opponents that have wide receivers that are seven feet tall, from Russia, and have inhuman strength. Also, Creed’s entourage (to include a very drugged out James Brown constantly singing “Living in America” and that trainer that never really said anything till Rocky VI) would probably make things much more interesting and fun.

Offense

Offensive line - E. Honda

He could also maybe have some new ideas for eye black designs.

He is most known for his roles in the Street Fighter gaming series. I’ll have to admit, he was not my first option for an offensive line coach. After contractual talks with the Juggernaut fell through, my administration was hard pressed to find a new candidate. Upon hearing that Mr. Honda was available and seeking a new job, we gave him a rang. Yes, he still has lighting fast hands and yes, he still uses his body as a projectile to take out opponents.

Quarterbacks - Tommy Frazier

“Simply untacklable” - The definition of Tommy Frazier found in the standard version of Merriam-Webster.

I was hard pressed as I had three candidates in mind. Jim McMahon would have been too drunk to stand, let alone coach (”I’m too drunk, you got me!“). Woody Dantzler was my next choice, but something told me to go with Tommy. There were a few reasons I chose Frazier. The first being that he did so well for life to turn around and take a dump on him. The second being my man needs a job and that’s one less trip I’d have to take in my time machine (Duke Power’s billing center thanks me for one less “Obscene Overuse Statement” that they would have had to file). Lastly and most importantly, aside from Bowden, he’s the most experienced person when it comes to embarrassing a Steve Spurrier coached team in a nationally televised game.

Running backs -Tecmo Bo

Simply maddening. If you weren’t on Bo’s team, you lost. My cousin’s gaming skills still haunt me to this day. This is also a great example of the most effective way to outrun eleven pink alligators.

Receivers - Charlie Tweeder
Tweeder was an all-state receiver out of West Canaan High in Texas that had a largely unknown yet stellar career at a small division 1-AA school. Although he is the equivalent to a loose cannon on a rolling deck, his recruitment skills would be perfect to pick up where the current staff would leave off.

Just a few quotes that might help break the ice for recruits on a visit talking with Tweeder:
“Hey you wanna see the new Tweeder end zone dance?… [Tweeder dances] You know what it’s called?… The new Tweeder end zone dance.”
“…Bitches are all just panty droppers. You understand? That’s it… give ‘em Percocet, two Vicoden and a couple of beers, and the panties drop. It’s very nice… It’s niiiiiice.”
“[Insert recruit name here] you’re under arrest for not being naked with some sophomore chick who wants to bathe you with her tongue, now take off your clothes and get in the police car.”

A kind of guy that the kids could relate to. He’d be great on the recruiting trail.

Head coach and Offensive Coordinator - Danny Ford
This was a no brainer, huh? I would go back to January 19, 1990 and pick up that Danny as he’d be the best version we could get. I would have a few stipulations he’d probably be more than willing to agree with. One of those would be to just get rid of tight ends all together and to recruit more fullbacks and linemen. The next would be to get back to Clemson hard nosed football.

Rumors and lore state that after a ball game if coach Ford thought the officials did a good job and if his team won he sent a few cases of beer over to the officials locker room. Ah the glory days of college football before political correctness, NCAA investigators, and news media red tape got involved.

Special Teams - Ultimate Warrior
Special teams don’t make any sense to me. Plus you don’t really need a pep talk. You just need someone to sound like they’re straining to shit out a twenty pound bowling ball while flexing their muscles and then say “Smear the fuckin’ queer.” Although, he might try to force some really conservative bat shit crazy Republican values on our guys, resulting in the same kinda problems we have now… no… wait… nothing is worse than what we have now. Go, Warrior go. Plus, who else is better than turning momentum around in a fight?

Yeah… what he said… Now go out there… and… uh… yeah.

PRESENTING THE FIRST ANNUAL MT. KORNMORE, IT’S LIKE THE HALL OF FAME OF HALLS OF FAME… OF AWESOMENESS.

CHUCK D (PUBLIC ENEMY, POINDEXTER) ONCE AKSED “BASS. HOW LOW CAN YOU GO?” WELL, I DON’T KNOW, BRO. I’VE BEEN PRETTY LOW WHAT WITH THE MOST RADICAL PLAYER TO PUT ON FOOTBALL PADS STUCK ON THE SIDELINES. CHUCK D ALSO SAID “SOUL ON A ROLL BUT YOU TREAT IT LIKE SOAP ON A ROPE.” I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS BUT ITS POETIC. IN A TOTALLY STRAIGHT WAY, UNLIKE MOST POETRY I READ INSIDE OF BATHROOM STALLS. SO WHILE I COULDN’T WATCH KORN ON THE FIELD I PUT MY EFFORTS INTO FINDING EXAMPLES OF KORNNESS (NOT KORNINESS DAMNIT, THAT’S HACK) IN POP CULTURE.

IN THE SPIRIT OF WILLIAM KORN, I HAVE ASSEMBLED THE FIRST “MT KORNMORE” OF BADASSES. FROM LEFT TO RIGHT WE HAVE:

TOM BERENGER FROM PLATOON: DON’T SLEEP ON YOUR PATROL DUTY OR HE’LL MURDER YOUR DREAMS. HE OUT-GRIZZLED WILLEM DAFOE, AND THAT’S A HELL OF A TASK. SOMETIMES I CONFUSE HIM WITH TOM BERGERON. MY B (BAD). THIS WAS A TOSSUP BETWEEN BERENGER IN SNIPER OR BERENGER IN PLATOON AND IT CAME DOWN TO GOOGLE IMAGES, BASICALLY.

BILL MURRAY FROM KINGPIN: HE HAD FULL SEX WITH WOMEN, HAD RAGING AWESOME HAIR, AND HAD A FIERY COMPETITIVE SPIRIT.

BILL DANCE FROM EVERY FISHING SHOW EVER: YOU CAN GIVE A MAN A FISH OR YOU CAN TEACH HIM TO FISH AND GIVE HIM A FISHING SHOW THAT PLAYS IN PERPETUITY ON CHANNEL 554 ON YOUR SATELLITE. NOT ONLY HAS HE BEEN ROCKING THE BUG EYE GLASSES SINCE BEFORE KANYE AND THE TRUCKER HAT BEFORE ASHTON (KUTCHER, SILLY) HE COULD PROBABLY STILL CATCH FISH LIKE A MUG IF HE WERE PARALYZED FROM THE NECK DOWN.

MICKEY ROURKE FROM THE POPE OF GREENWICH VILLAGE: IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THIS MOVIE, GO, NOW. JUST PRETEND THAT WILLY KORN IS MICKEY ROURKE AND WILL PROCTOR IS ERIC ROBERTS. SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT.

NOW, ON TO OUR MAN KORN.

I GET LITERALLY SEVERAL EMAILS A MONTH ASKING ME, NO BEGGING THE EKR TO THE CLEMSON RESEARCH DEPARTMENT BETTER GET ON SOME STEM CELL RESEARCH OR SOME SHIT TO FIX KORN’S SHOULDER. WELL I’M JUST A MAN, AND I CAN’T DO THAT. I COULDN’T EVEN GO TO THE CAMPUS TO ASK. OUTSIDE OF THE RESTRAINING ORDER PLACED ON ME BY CLEMSON (THEY DON’T LIKE YOU DRUNKENLY STALKING YOUR FAVORITE PLAYERS, WHO KNEW?), I HAD A RUN IN WITH JOHNNY LAW AND NOW CAN ONLY TRAVEL BY MOPED. NOT EXTREME!!! WELL THAT’S LIFE. AS FOR WHAT EKR’S FAVORITE PLAYER HAS BEEN UP TO SINCE ASPLODING HIS SHOULDER BONE, I’VE HEARD SOME RUMORS. SOME SAY HE HAS BEEN HITCHHIKING TOWARDS THE ALASKAN WILDERNESS TO GO LIVE IN A BUS. I DON’T KNOW IF THAT’S TRUE BUT I KNOW WILLY KORN IS THE BIG MAN ON CAMPUS AND ALSO WOULD’VE IMPREGNATED LIKE 3 WHOLE SORORITIES BY NOW, BUT WILLY KORN IS A GENTLEMAN, AND WILLY KORN PULLS OUT. WILLY KORN TEMPORARILY TRANSFERRED TO FLORIDA AND HAS BEEN PLAYING UNDER THE ALIAS “TIM TEBOW.” HE PLAYED IN THE CAROLINA GAME UNDER THE “AKA” “NELSON FAERBER.” HE LED A SLAVE REBELLION IN THE ITALIAN PENINSULA UNDER HIS SLAVE NAME: SPARTACUS.

EKR, UNEXPECTED OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!

THIS LIL DUDE JUST SAW WILLY KORN IN THE FLESH.

The Curse of Danny Ford

We’ve all heard of the Curse of the Billy Goat, the Curse of the Bambino (now, twice broken), and even the Chicken Curse (a curse created to hide the fact that their school is just terrible at, well, everything), which brings me to my theory. Why can Clemson not get over the proverbial “hump?” Simple, the Curse of Danny Ford! To better understand the hex that has fallen upon our school, here is a brief glimpse into history (cue the fog machine and strobe light):

• After the 1978 regular season, the young Clemson Assistant Coach Danny Ford took over as Clemson head coach after Charlie Pell left for Florida, with his first game and win being in the famous Woody Hayes upper-cut game in the 1978 Gator Bowl.

• From 1979-1989, Danny compiled a 92-29-4 (.760) record, a 6-2 bowl record, five ACC Titles, one National Championship, and several wins over Hall of Fame coaches including Joe Paterno, Bobby Bowden, Tom Osborne, Barry Switzer, Woody Hayes, and Vince Dooley.

• In 1989, Clemson Athletic Director Bobby Robinson freaked out over the NCAA questioning Danny’s program about possible violations for the second time in his tenure and a feud with the coach over wanting to build an athletic dorm for just football players. So, Robinson hastily pushed the coach out the door. Thus putting an end to the Danny Ford Era at Clemson, despite having won a National Championship in the previous decade, despite having won five ACC titles in ten years, and despite making Clemson a national football presence.

• Angered and confused, Danny didn’t coach for a couple years until he accepted the coaching position at Arkansas in 1993 and was fired in 1997, finishing with a 26-30-1 record. Despite the poor record, he did leave his successor, current head coach Houston Nutt, with plenty of talented players which lead to 9-3 and 8-4 records in his first two seasons.

• As for Bobby Robinson, shortly after firing Danny, the Athletic Director was canned by university president Max Lennon due to pressure from boosters because of his letting go of arguable, the best coach in Clemson football history. As a side note, when Robinson was approached in a Clemson parking lot by local newscaster, Stan Olinick, a scuffle erupted between the two, on-air, when Olinick demanded Robinson explain himself about Danny’s termination. That explanation has still not been given to this day.

• Clemson then hired Arkansas head coach Ken Hatfield, who coached for Clemson for the next four years finishing with a respectable 32-13-1 record and an ACC title.

• In 1992, the Curse of Danny Ford befell on Clemson University.

How does all of this gibberish constitute that Clemson is cursed? Well, Clemson’s most successful coach in history was fired over a dispute with the athletic director. This was a situation that was far from worthy of Danny getting fired over, and a situation that could have easily been solved, however, that was not the case. Getting rid Danny Ford for Clemson is the equivalent of the Boston Red Sox trading Babe Ruth to the Yankees. Therefore, The Curse of Danny Ford was born.

Now, you may ask, “Sam, Ken Hatfield won an ACC title after Danny Ford left, doesn’t that negate your Curse theory?” You would think that, you naïve fan you. Hatfield won an ACC title with Danny’s players and if the man was going to curse our school, he didn’t want to punish his own players still at that school. So, the curse did not set in until 1992 season when Clemson missed going to a bowl game for the first time since 1977 (if you don’t count the years Clemson was on probation in the 80’s).

To further prove my point, here is a look at Clemson’s mediocrity of a program since Danny’s departure in an easy-to-read chart:

As you can see, The Curse of Danny Ford has plagued Clemson football and explains a possible deeper meaning to their non-success in the past decade and a half. Since the curse, Clemson has done nothing worth of note on the national scene and their best bowl appearance was in the 2001 Gator Bowl when they got destroyed by the dog killer, Michael Vick and his Hokies. Also, in the past three years, Clemson has been a total of five points away from playing in the ACC Championship, but for some reason, were unable to get there. It’s as if a higher being or force won’t allow Clemson to make that one extra play or make one more field goal to win the one game that they would need to be considered something other than chokers and possibly even lovable losers. When other fans watch Clemson in big games, they all watch just to see when Clemson will blow it, when they will fold and create another chapter of Clemson football losing in dramatic fashion. Inevitable dramatic fashion.

Spinach is to Popeye as Chaw is to Danny Ford.

The Curse of Danny Ford is the only possible explanation for Clemson football not being able to be contenders, not being able to win, and being able to stop this rollercoaster of emotion, we fans call a season, in the station for good.