We’re talking about speed, fast footwork, hitting people with your hands, and an arrogance/confidence hybrid. Who else would be perfect for the job? Let’s just hope that there are no in conference opponents that have wide receivers that are seven feet tall, from Russia, and have inhuman strength. Also, Creed’s entourage (to include a very drugged out James Brown constantly singing “Living in America” and that trainer that never really said anything till Rocky VI) would probably make things much more interesting and fun.

Offense

Offensive line - E. Honda

He could also maybe have some new ideas for eye black designs.

He is most known for his roles in the Street Fighter gaming series. I’ll have to admit, he was not my first option for an offensive line coach. After contractual talks with the Juggernaut fell through, my administration was hard pressed to find a new candidate. Upon hearing that Mr. Honda was available and seeking a new job, we gave him a rang. Yes, he still has lighting fast hands and yes, he still uses his body as a projectile to take out opponents.

Quarterbacks - Tommy Frazier

“Simply untacklable” - The definition of Tommy Frazier found in the standard version of Merriam-Webster.

I was hard pressed as I had three candidates in mind. Jim McMahon would have been too drunk to stand, let alone coach (”I’m too drunk, you got me!“). Woody Dantzler was my next choice, but something told me to go with Tommy. There were a few reasons I chose Frazier. The first being that he did so well for life to turn around and take a dump on him. The second being my man needs a job and that’s one less trip I’d have to take in my time machine (Duke Power’s billing center thanks me for one less “Obscene Overuse Statement” that they would have had to file). Lastly and most importantly, aside from Bowden, he’s the most experienced person when it comes to embarrassing a Steve Spurrier coached team in a nationally televised game.

Running backs -Tecmo Bo

Receivers - Charlie Tweeder
Tweeder was an all-state receiver out of West Canaan High in Texas that had a largely unknown yet stellar career at a small division 1-AA school. Although he is the equivalent to a loose cannon on a rolling deck, his recruitment skills would be perfect to pick up where the current staff would leave off.

Just a few quotes that might help break the ice for recruits on a visit talking with Tweeder:
“Hey you wanna see the new Tweeder end zone dance?… [Tweeder dances] You know what it’s called?… The new Tweeder end zone dance.”
“…Bitches are all just panty droppers. You understand? That’s it… give ‘em Percocet, two Vicoden and a couple of beers, and the panties drop. It’s very nice… It’s niiiiiice.”
“[Insert recruit name here] you’re under arrest for not being naked with some sophomore chick who wants to bathe you with her tongue, now take off your clothes and get in the police car.”

Head coach and Offensive Coordinator - Danny Ford
This was a no brainer, huh? I would go back to January 19, 1990 and pick up that Danny as he’d be the best version we could get. I would have a few stipulations he’d probably be more than willing to agree with. One of those would be to just get rid of tight ends all together and to recruit more fullbacks and linemen. The next would be to get back to Clemson hard nosed football.

Rumors and lore state that after a ball game if coach Ford thought the officials did a good job and if his team won he sent a few cases of beer over to the officials locker room. Ah the glory days of college football before political correctness, NCAA investigators, and news media red tape got involved.

Special Teams - Ultimate Warrior
Special teams don’t make any sense to me. Plus you don’t really need a pep talk. You just need someone to sound like they’re straining to shit out a twenty pound bowling ball while flexing their muscles and then say “Smear the fuckin’ queer.” Although, he might try to force some really conservative bat shit crazy Republican values on our guys, resulting in the same kinda problems we have now… no… wait… nothing is worse than what we have now. Go, Warrior go. Plus, who else is better than turning momentum around in a fight?