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Chili on Archive for September 2006
Posted by Chili
Reminder: while Oktoberfest has been going on in Deutschland since September 16, it’s just about to begin at your local pub. In Atlanta, hit up the Brick Store Pub in Decatur on October 7th for the keg tapping.
Umm… uh… can’t think…. uh…. wow.Another reminder. I knock a lot of messageboards because they are run by overzealous administrators who zap posts on a whim and tone down the content to a PG level “for the children.” If you want a great messageboard that rises above the rest check out The Rant. Please, we need some more Clemson people on there; every other registered user has Dawg in their name. There’s even a Wine Drinking Dawg, shit you not. While I wasn’t aware UGA fans had graduated above MD 20/20, I applaud the effort. I think Willy Mac’s new name on that site is gonna be Fondue Loving Tiger.
If you are a Clemson of a Georgia fan you should be familiar with the nuclear bomb of all USC football arguments: This is South Carolina Football, a thick meaty slab of irrefutable fact compiled by a UGA fan. It’s a giant can of RAID that stops cocks dead. There is now an equivalent diatribe to refute the slew of Wake Forest fans that’ve grown cocky over their relative success over Clemson in recent years. This isn’t a dumb post; it’s a bitingly true post that was so noteworthy I had to include it. It’s worth it just for the total douchefactor of the last line of the rant: “Wake Forest’s most famous football alum is Brian Piccolo, who is best known for dying of cancer at the age of
This Clemson fan is a fucking BALLER.
I’ve gotta figure that at least half of all reported cases of spontaneous combustion are due to football fans dreaming up the most wild and fantastical hypothetical questions to confound their fellow fans. “Would you rather have AIDS and sideline passes to a Clemson-Virginia Tech ACC Championship Game or just be HIV positive but only have upper deck seats?” FOOOM!
This week the Gamecocks took on the Auburn Tigers while Clemson faces the mighty Louisiana Tech Snappin’ Mudbugs. The disparity in competition led many Clemson posters to be preoccupied with all things Gamecock. More so than usual. This posters shows us that yes, some things can be taken too far. If you seriously get into an argument with another fan over whose team has the hottest coach & wife combo, please immediately throw yourself off the nearest overpass. Also, I didn’t know STEVO was into interspecies erotica.
This post was zapped within five minutes of being posted, and with good reason. This guy and Carlos Mencia prove that racist jokes aren’t always funny.
While Tigernet was buzzing with Carolina chatter prior to the game, it absolutely asploded the next day. Here is a snapshot of the Tigernet Board sidebar on the front page of Tnet with a handy chart of what each post is hollering about. Notice, please, only two Clemson posts, one about Wake Forest wearing all-black for our game next weekend, and another (for some reason) on Tyrone Prothro’s horrific injury last season.
Like last week, Tigernet provided a good 7 innings of quality pitching but couldn’t quite get the complete game. Again, I call up FGF from the bullpen to close this thing out. Carolina has been losing for so long they’ve actually created a mindset where some losses, okay, get ready for this one, where some losses… aren’t losses. Yeah, I know it’s tough to follow. It’s like your friend who’s got the monumentally long dry spell picking up strange ass downtown and considers it something of a victory when he manages to be sober enough to stay whiskey-dick free and rub out some knuckle children at the end of the night.
WE HAVE ARRIVED! Unfortunately, the destination was mediocrity.
Negating the on-sides kick would, at best estimate, cause the game to be tied up at 17-17. Apparently, that means the Gamecocks “win going away.” Wait, doesn’t that mean they blow Auburn out? Look I’m not even going to try and make any more lame jokes, just read this dumb shit.
Every week I pick one post that is just such a shining beacon of ignorance I just have to demolish it. Pick it apart down to the dark meat and suck the marrow from its bones. This is that post.
Wow. Where to start. Okay… here we go.
“Even though we lost, we won in a different way.” – Yes, in golf scoring. This is exactly what I’m talking about. This guy, several posts down, chastised other posters for claiming a moral victory, well what the fuck ‘different way’ of winning do you think he’s talking about here? Yeah, that different way of winning that South Carolina is the perennial champion of. South Carolina won in the same way that Stephen Hawking is a master of poppin-and-lockin.
“We found character” – Cough… cough..meaningless football cliche… cough..
“Wins and losses come and go” – A lot more of one than the other for you guys, other than that, this is pretty much a factual statement.
“Teamwork builds future winning programs” – Translation: wait ‘til next year!
“It will build the foundation for future teams” – Yes, there are players on this team who will stay until next year and play on future Gamecock teams. Astute observation. Translation: wait ‘til next year!
“The Ole Ball Coach is back and he was the Evil Genius again!” – It takes a genius to order his team to lob a wounded duck of a pass into double coverage to Sidney Rice. Somewhere, Reggie Ball is smiling.
“Folks, Gamecock fottball is about to get really good” – WELL THEY’VE BEEN WAITING 100 FUCKING YEARS. Also, while I don’t doubt that Gamecock ‘fottball’ is about to get good, their football is still going to suck. Translation: wait ‘til next year!
“I PLAY GOLF LIKE A GENTLEMAN BUT I DRESS TO KILL” – I don’t even know what this is supposed to mean, but if I ever heard anyone say this in person, even if it was my father or grandfather or a child or an infirm person or a retard, I would have to strike them about the face and body with my two fists.
Well, this poster here is taking things rather realistically. If I woke up one day and found out I was a Gamecock fan I’d probably cry and break shit too. “I hope they all die on the bus ride home.” – Well that might be kind of awesome; they’d be wandering around the afterlife like that football team in Beetlejuice. I bet Irons would nail Miss Venezuela.
Just when I thought this guy was realistic. Holy shit. Oh yeah, you guys can win the SEC easy. By easy, I mean Georgia dropping three conference games and Florida self destructing. That’s totally gonna happen. Just the fact that this guy has the kind of dumb optimism that his team can still easily win the conference makes me want to bite his nose off and spit it back in his face.
That’s all for this week. If you see any posts on pretty much any messageboard, let me know, I’ll slap them up here and credit you.
Posted by Chili
Translation: SUPER HAPPY FUN TIME FOOTBALL. FOR GREAT JUSTICE.Posted by Chili
La Tech (1-2) @ Clemson (3-1, 2-1 ACC), Saturday, September 30th, 7 PM, ESPNU, XM Satellite Radio
The Stats
Line: Clemson by 34.5
Clemson leads the all-time series 2-0, having previously met in 2002 and in the 2001 Humanitarian Bowl in Boise, Idaho. Clemson comes off a 52-7 spanking of the University of North Carolina while La Tech comes off a 45-14 beating at the hands of Texas A&M.
Edge goes to:
Offense: Clemson
Defense: Clemson
Special Teams: Clemson
Intangibles: Clemson, unless they are looking ahead to Wake Forest.
Statistical Stunners: Clemson sports some impressive numbers on offense this season. The Tigers average 426 yards per game, good for 19th in the nation. Their 41.5 points per game as a team ranks them at 3rd in the country. James Davis is tied for 3rd in the nation in individual scoring with 54 points, 13.5 a game. Clemson leads the ACC in total offense, rushing offense, scoring offense, first downs and third down conversion percentage. Clemson is tied for first in the ACC in allowing sacks. Clemson’s offensive line has given up just four in four games, tied with North Carolina and Georgia Tech.
Our panel of DFIG “experts” say:
Chili: Many people expected a letdown for the Tigers last week but they rose to the occasion and peckerslapped the boys in baby blue 52-7. While I am just as concerned about a letdown this week, especially with recent roadblock Wake Forest looming on the horizon, I think the Tigers will have absolutely no problem with La Tech. LTU sports a respectable pass offense that should keep Clemson on its toes. I expect to see a lot of action from our reserves again this week, with the running game excelling and perhaps a bit more emphasis put on our passing game than last week as we gear up for a probably undefeated WFU.
Clemson 49, La Tech 14
A graphical representation of this coming Saturday’s game.Willy Mac:
This game is going to be as one sided as a rabid wolverine in a cage with a kitten. I don’t think Clemson will cover though. Vegas is like a little ADHD kid when it comes to spreading teams that aren’t a biggun (Texas/USC/ND/etc). Oooh, Clemson scored a lot of points last week, this week they’re gonna win by infinite (insert involuntary sugar seizure here)! I think it’s kinda funny how there are always going to be teams that get beaten down. The only selling point is that you get a free education, but it’s not even worth it in most cases. What would possess a person to go to La Tech just to get whupped up on in the fall for a free education? I only hope that Tommy does like he did last week and keep the big dogs on the field until the game is entirely out of hand (somewhere around 49 to 56 points). My favorite line from last weeks game via the announcers: “Clemson has put away the Dobermans and the Pit Bulls and they’ve brought out the puppies. UNC STILL can’t match up.” All cylinders will be running… expect an ass tanning. I don’t expect them to beat the spread but I’m picking that they do.
Clemson 45, La Tech 6
Clemson DT Donnell Clark lines up against the La Tech Center.Posted by Chili
It’s been a challenge this week to find quality ignorant-ass posts on Tigernet to serve up to you all nice and toasty. Clemson fans have celebrated a thrilling last-second victory at Florida State and a beatdown of North Carolina that would make Buford T. Pusser salivate, but any comically expressed exuberance has been tempered by the memory of the BC game and the knowledge that Clemson has let us down in the past under Tommy. This careful mixture of humors has led most of the posts to be pretty realistic and down to earth. But as in nature there are always a couple of slow sheep to cull from the flock, and being the hypercritical wolf that I am, I’m gonna pounce. I do it for you, you know.
Insulting a guy is one thing. Pre-diagnosing said insult down to the most minute detail is a little gross. And this guy just confessed to the whole board that he once suffered from gout. I thought only lunchladies suffered from that.
This guy is taking fandom to a whole new level. Nowadays, you don’t just need to know a player’s height and weight, 40 time, and benchpress, you gotta know what his cock helmet looks like. Purple or pink? Cut or uncut? I don’t think I can compete with these sort of inquiring minds.
Here’s another gem of a post from Tigernet’s biggest moron, JD1stdown. Next time, instead of posting on Tigernet while drunk, you oughta get into your Brat and speed around till an oak tree jumps out in front of you. The only thing worse than posting dumb shit relentlessly is doing it drunk. Or maybe that makes it better, you decide.
raleigh. That’s all this post says. This could be a mongoloid who hasn’t grasped the concept of posting that you have to type what you want to post then hit enter. Or it is a carefully crafted communiqué signaling the start of a worldwide conspiratorial assassination attempt. Yeah, it’s probably the first thing. But really, as soon as somebody mentions Raleigh, I tune out completely so this post just saves him the time of typing out how much of a shitstain the city is.
Here’s another seemingly harmless post that may hide a dark secret. Why the quotation marks? Saying “music savvy” guys instead of music savvy guys makes me think he means hipsters or homosexuals. Same thing really. God only knows what “music parodies” would mean in that case, but these “parodies” would probably take place in rest areas or bath houses and lead to deeply repressed memories. Even if we take the post literally, no, Steve Spurrier’s lip smacking would in no way whatsoever make for a good parody song. If there is such a thing. And there’s not.
Now, again, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with somebody wanting to pray for people. But there is something wrong with somebody wanting to do it on a football messageboard and posting EVERY SINGLE DAY, just aching, begging for people to private message him. That’s fucking weird. This guy’s prayer posts fall to the ground with a thud on Tnet. Nobody replies. It’s like a fart in a crowded elevator, it’s there, there’s nothing you can do about it, it’s best just to ride the thing out and ignore it.
I’m biased, but I believe Clemson has the best stadium entrance in college football. Rubbing Howard’s Rock and running down the hill are original to Clemson, though not unique thanks to Maryland’s stupid turtle or BC’s eagle they now rub. USC’s entrance is just common. All there is to it. They run into the stadium through smoke to the tune of Thus Spake Zarathustra, better known as the 2001 theme. I am stunned that Zarathustra doesn’t come up as a spelling error in Word. Anyway, it’s high school. Wow, they play a unique song. Fantastic. This guy has taken the bait he probably found on FGF or a similar Gamecock board where some Kool Aid drinker has fantasized about what kind of fuckin’ badass opening USC could have. At least the most badass since the original members of Skynyrd left us. Helicopters bringing in USC players? I can see paddy wagons, that would be appropriate. But helicopters? Only if they call the new entrance Black Cocks Down.
While Tigernet was relatively slim pickins this week, Gamecock fans, always the introverts of the football world, ever delusional about their own abilities and ignorant of world outside Columbia, did not disappoint, and maybe, I can fit some more commas, into this sentence. With the kind of stupidity usually only found at System of a Down concerts, they provided me with some great filler to add to this week’s DSOT. Honestly, finding dumb shit on the Fighting Gamecocks Forum is like shooting fish in a barrel. A barrel also made of fish. And the gun’s a fish too.
This thread is typical of Clemson-Carolina arguments. Their only crutch is the strength of their conference, a figure which they have lowered for years, and if you throw facts at their face they shrink down like lil’ George Costanza in cold water. My favorite part is the 2nd post from 84USCGRAD, “forget your rankings and lets hear what you actually think.” Translation: your facts destroy my argument, so let’s just take this argument to the realm all Gamecocks rule: delusional, biased opinions devoid of “facts.”
This post is the single most incredible post I’ve ever seen. Now, the Gamecocks recently lost a big recruit to Notre Dame (amazing, I know) but instead of them chalking it up to the recruit waking up from a daze and realizing he was committed to a school with the football tradition of Briscoe County High School, they claim that he read negative messageboard posts and was so distraught that he decommitted. The spirit of FGF mortally wounded, this person is trying to make the most positive, uplifting post so that any recruit that would happen to read this would believe the fallacy that Gamecock fans are supportive and not at all critical of their team. Here is a picture of this poster, GamecockSpy. This bullshitting attitude that USC has the best fans in football is manifested in the fact that, yes, they sell out virtually every game, but the stadium is half empty by the third quarter. This post buys into the crap that every messageboard seems to believe; that recruits, players, and coaches everywhere read every post they make and look to the board for inspiration. A player, at most, will jus search for his name in articles and may very rarely check a board. A coach couldn’t give less of a damn, they are some of the busiest people in sports who aren’t named Alyssa Milano. Maybe the funniest thing here is that this poster is reaching out to nonexistent recruits reading the post and telling them to watch Thursday’s USC-Auburn game (beatdown in the making) because it’s “college football at its best.” If USC is college football at its best, then Duke is some unreachable hidden superteam on your copy of NCAA 07. The more I write, the more I distract you from seeing just how monumentally, fantastically ignorant this post is. Have at it:
Posted by Willy Mac
The purpose of this post is to inform you wee people of my favorite college football trends to date. I can hardly see ya’ll from my soap box. Also, check out www.scalpem.com and vote for Danny Ford in the poll.
Kudos
RUTGERS – That’s right, I’m jumping on the band wagon and holding on for dear life. Expect me to leap the week they actually play a good opponent. This would probably be the Thursday night game against Louisville (Nov. 6 @ Rutgers). The jump off week could occur as early as the Navy game in two weeks (Oct. 14 @ Navy). Given the bye week to rest and tune up, I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt. Another looming snake in the grass would be UConn (Oct. 29 @ Rutgers). The schedule after South Florida is a doozy. And for Rutgers fans, that’s the schedule AFTER South Florida.
ARMY – These Knights are blacknot. These Knights are Black………….NOT (Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan in theaters Nov. 3). After a close loss to Texas A&M, I’m in. These guys have heart and I respect that because they’re playing college football knowing that they will not go ot the next level. They’ve got heart, and for once in a long time, they seem as if they could go to a bowl two years in a row. This is a hard buy if they don’t get seven wins because Army doesn’t travel well and six wins with no fans or money isn’t enough to make any shitty bowl select a team. The cadets will be happy though.
TEAMS SHITTING IN MY CHICKEN SALAD
I know that the FGF trolls google “Danny Ford, God, ‘How to beat futility’” everyday, so go ahead and kindly fuck yourself if you’re a Gamecock fan. This following is not biased… in the least.
SOUTH CAROLINA – I can’t wait to see Auburn take care of any bit of hope Gamecock fans have on their season outlook. You gotta love the month of September. The Gamecocks are 3 – 1 (and in my opinion they should’ve gotten beaten by MSU if there had been a decent QB in the game) and now that October is rolling around, the SEC is prepared for it’s annual mugging of USC. I can already here it, “the only reason Clemson won is cause we got beat up so badly.” If you wanna beat us so bad, join a easier conference. I expect Kenny Irons to give USC payback for not letting him run the ball by… well, by running all over them. Unfortunately, Spurrier has lost the touch and will die a slow and painful death at USC. Let’s just hope the USC playcaller doesn’t let his team get so out of hand they start a fight they can’t finish in his last game.
TENNESSEE – After a close win against Air Force (keep in mind, ESPN ranked Air Force as one of the bottom ten teams at the beginning of the season), and a close loss to a good Florida team, and an unimpressive win over a bad Marshall, Tennessee WILL lose again, soon and badly. This most likely will come against Georgia (Oct. 7 @ Georgia, ESPN, 7:45 PM). That is, if Georgia can sort out what happened at their embarrassing game this past Saturday against Colorado where they barely pulled out a W in the final minutes of the game.
The forecast for Gamecocks this weekend is lots of Kenny Irons in the endzone.Chili’s Piggy Back Post
The NC State Technician reports that swaying stands and raucous crowds aren’t the only effects of stadium overcrowding. It seems that students were forced to stay in their seats for fear of not being readmitted into their section and resorted to pissing where they stood. Student body president Will Quick (great name, by the way) stated that everyone knew Wolfpack fans were way into watersports: “I have heard reports of individuals being splashed by urine.”
NC State joins the University of Georgia in the elite league of proud stadium pissers. If you aren’t sure what I mean, attend a game at Sanford Stadium and tell me you don’t see people pissing off the edge of the upper deck at some point in the game.
Is the story here that Staters were pissing themselves or that any part of Carter-Finley is actually overcrowded?
Also, check out Baby Toupees. It’s really creepy, but when I have a kid he’s wearing a toupee until he gets a sensible coiffure on his soft lil noggin.
Posted by Block-C Staff
Week 4 saw some stellar picks by our pundits, thought admittedly it was nowhere near the challenge of the previous week.
UNC @ Clemson - Clemson
Penn State @ Ohio State - OSU
Arizona State @ Cal - Cali
Notre Dame @ Michigan State – ND
Boston College @ NCSU - NNNN CCCCC STAAAATE
Iowa @ Illinois - Iowa
Alabama @ Arkansas - Arkansas
Marshall @ Tennessee - UT
Colorado @ Georgia – UGa
Virginia @ Georgia Tech (Thurs.) – GT
Current standings are:
1. Lola -6
T2. Brad -7
T2. Chili -7
T4. Willy Mac -12
T4. Greggers -12
Shamefully late:
6. Tully -9
Here are the games for week 5:
Louisiana Tech @ Clemson
Virginia @ Duke
Virginia Tech @ Georgia Tech
Ohio State @ Iowa (And no, Tully, I won’t call them The OSU, that’s just silly.)
Texas Tech @ Texas A&M
California @ Oregon State
Rutgers @ South Florida (Changed)
Michigan @ Minnesota
Navy @ UConn (WTF Game of the Week)
Auburn @ South Carolina (Thurs.)
Willy Mac’s Picks:
Louisiana Tech @ Clemson - Clemson
Virginia @ Duke - Jeebus, by far the hardest pick. Duke, but expect to change.
Virginia Tech @ Georgia Tech - Virginia Tech
Ohio State @ Iowa - Ohio State
Texas Tech @ Texas A&M - TAMU
California @ Oregon State - California
Rutgers @ South Florida (Changed) – Rutgers
Michigan @ Minnesota - Michigan
Navy @ UConn (WTF Game of the Week) - Navy
Auburn @ South Carolina (Thurs.) - Auburn
Chili’s Picks:
Louisiana Tech @ Clemson - Clemson
Virginia @ Duke - UVa
Virginia Tech @ Georgia Tech - GIT
Ohio State @ Iowa - OSU
Texas Tech @ Texas A&M - TTU
California @ Oregon State - California
Rutgers @ South Florida (Changed) – Rutgers
Michigan @ Minnesota - UMich
Navy @ UConn (WTF Game of the Week) - Navy
Auburn @ South Carolina (Thurs.) - Auburn